Hide and Seek

Sometimes what seems impossible to find is right under our noses.

If you have been following my blog for the last several months, you will have noticed that I have focused on a single issue: child sexual abuse. I have been asked a number of times why specifically sexual abuse as opposed to emotional or physical, and the answer is simply that this is the type of abuse that is discussed the least. It is the most hidden. It is kept secret by perpetrators, victims, survivors, and everyone that surrounds them. It is widely considered taboo to even bring up the subject. Those who have never experienced it themselves do not begin the conversation because they’re afraid that the people they’re talking to might have. They wonder if bringing it up will offend them or hurt them in some way, which makes much needed dialogue uncomfortable and awkward. Those who have been victimized or who are perpetrators themselves usually don’t speak of it out of shame. It’s pretty safe to say that the only people who are vocal about the issue are the survivors who have remembered and reclaimed their voice.

In thinking about the many reasons why we choose not to speak, I have determined that several if not all of them are rooted in fear. We are afraid to offend, afraid of saying too much, afraid to embarrass, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid of everyone knowing, afraid of the reaction, afraid of what else might need to be said, afraid of the questions, afraid that people will look at us differently, afraid that no one will listen, afraid that no one will accept, afraid of being rejected. With all of that pressure, can you really blame us for keeping silent for so long?

If all of the reasons we hide boil down to the fact that we are afraid, then the thing that may help us the most is to answer all of the unanswered questions that feed our fears.

Knowledge is Power

I began to wonder if there was anything out there solely focused on educating adults. We’ve all heard about the programs available to young children teaching the difference between safe and unsafe or welcome and unwelcome touches, but in reality those programs are incapable of protecting children as long as the adults around them are not receiving similar education. I kept my eyes and ears open for anything that could be beneficial. I focused on the Early Home Visitation programs for young or “at risk” parents, but while they are extremely helpful at creating a positive, nurturing, and healthy environment, they are not designed to focus on this particular problem.

Focus is necessary to transform our society from one that is afraid of discussing child sexual abuse to one which embraces open communication in an effort to prevent it.

Last week I was introduced to a social worker with Alliance for Children in Arlington. She informed me that her organization led classes specifically to teach adults how to recognize behaviors that might signal the occurrence of abuse in children as well as ways to appropriately respond when a child comes forward. I immediately asked for more information. After receiving the course materials and having an opportunity to look them over, I am even more impressed with the program. Not only does it identify specific physical and behavioral red flags, it also addresses how to discuss sexual abuse openly with kids- similarly to how candidly a parent would discuss looking both ways before crossing the street. The curriculum emphasizes several times that over 90% of abusers are known and trusted by their victims and victims’ families. I have never seen a program so determined to wake people up.

At the end of the course, you really get it. You get that this is everywhere and that it can and may have already happened to your child. You learn how to minimize the risk. You learn how to talk to other adults so that they know you are paying attention. You learn how to talk to your kids so that they know it is your job to protect them. You learn that if it happens, it is something your child can recover from. Perhaps most importantly, you learn that children and adults everywhere can and do heal from this every day.

Everything you never knew you needed to know

Darkness to Light is an organization focused on preventing child sexual abuse by empowering adults to claim responsibility for child safety. They initially developed this program to be used as training for anyone employed in the care of children. Stewards of Children is currently offered by school districts, day care centers, hospitals, and social welfare institutions to their employees. It is extremely beneficial to them because they have already assumed responsibility for countless children in their care every day. But this is only the beginning. I believe this kind of education should be utilized by every adult in this country. Who among us can claim to never have any interaction with children? Who can honestly say that they already know enough? Who can say with full conviction that there is no way they know anyone in someway related to this affliction?

Please take this opportunity to know more. I’ve included the link to Stewards of Children on my main blog page. If no one is offering an instructor-lead course to you in your area, then seize this moment to complete it online. It is available to everyone. Use it.

If you are interested in having an instructor teach this course to your organization or community, contacts are available on the Stewards of Children webpage. They will be more than happy to connect you with the group who facilitates the course in your area.

To know is to see.

To see is to witness.

To witness is to support.

To support is to encourage.

To encourage is to grow.

To grow is to change.

To change is to make the impossible possible.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

...quickly through the forest
and over the sea,
past the storm clouds
beyond nightmares or dreams-
the winds of change are upon us.

Days gone by

I've been reading lately about the history of our culture, and I realize now what a narrow view I have had my entire life. Here I've been thinking that we're stuck in a rut- unwilling to change. But that assumption could not be further from the truth. We're not stuck. We're not stuck at all.

It wasn't that long ago that an American girl of 14 years old could be a grown man's wife.

My grandmother was one such girl. And I always knew that about her, as one tends to know his or her grandparents' history, but I never really thought about what that meant. That at one specific point in time, it was a common public perception that such a union was acceptable- even encouraged. These days, that guy's face would be plastered all over the nightly news and in most facebook statuses.

But, once upon a time, a little girl who'd just been married could go running to her parents, scared and confused about what her husband had just tried to do to her, and be told to go home.

And we keep going and going and going...

There's no denying there's a pretty big issue here. It's an uphill battle- a lot more uphill than I previously realized. In fact, it's pretty much a mountainous problem. But doesn't it say something about us that we've been able to come this far in a relatively short amount of time? No matter how big the issue, no matter how daunting or endless it seems, we keep trying. And though at times, we think that our efforts aren't working, there are things changing all around us all the time. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our day to day lives and all of the tasks we have to get done that we don't see them, but it doesn't mean they're not there. In every piece of new information that is read, in every link posted on a personal website, in every statement that is publicly made, someone somewhere is waking up a little bit. And every little bit helps.

I just want to take this moment in time and use it to encourage you. The next time you turn on your computer and go to the same site you always go to for entertainment or to simply waste time, go to any search engine first. Type in the first thing that comes to mind, and read what pops up. Everyone's got something in this life that they care about. I urge you to learn more about your something, to open your eyes to the possibility that there may be more outside of your comfort zone, and to embrace the changes in your life and in your world.

Because, whether you want them to or not, they're happening.

"...change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."

~George, Life as a House

To You, From Me

Dear Readers,

There may come a day when the people who have hurt you the most will be staring you in the face. Not because you went looking for them, but because they came to find you.

They may not have come because they wanted to hurt you. They may not have come because they wanted to be your friend. But they definitely will have come to be near you.

Because the weak can see the strength in others. And they want to be near it, hoping that it will rub off on them somehow. But it never will. These people may have been able to steal power from you in the past but that does not mean that they will be able to take it from you again.

We have all spent so much time and energy healing, growing past the pain, making peace with our old nightmares, and recognizing the strength hidden within ourselves. Know that it has always been there, inside you. Your strength is what has always held you together. And when these people come into your life again, you may be able to avoid them. You may be able to hide from them. But you will never be able to prevent them from entering your world. Because they exist in your world. And just like you, they are free to come and go as they please. The one thing you can do is keep going.

If seeing these people makes you cry, then cry. If it makes you angry, be angry. And if it stresses you out, be stressed. These are all very natural feelings to have. After all, it wasn't your choice for these people to be in your life. They imposed themselves on you, and you may react in any manner you choose. But remember how far you have come. Remember who got you there. Surround yourself with friends and family that will support you. Lean on them. They won't mind.

The weak will come and go. They will stop and stare in awe at you as you live your life beyond the hurt that they inflicted. And they will wonder if it ever really affected you at all. But the weak are unable to accept pain. Unable to accept it when they feel it, and unable to accept when they cause it in others. So they may wonder, but they will never know. They will never understand the journey we've been on. They will never fully grasp how strong we are. But they will never stop trying to catch a glimpse of that strength. Never.

Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn

Anger, Resentment, Hope and Disappointment

How do you leave the past in the past when it forcibly enters your present?

I’m not really looking for an answer or a discussion about it. Just putting the question out into the universe. How am I expected to deal with this? After years of healing old wounds inflicted by people who don’t give a crap about how I may have turned out, they’ve come back to cause more pain? Could that really be the reason? Could that really be what they want to accomplish? Isn’t it enough that it took me this long to get to this place? Are you just curious to see if you can make me feel worse?

I’ve got news for you, buddy. I’m not fifteen anymore. I’m not ten. I’m not five. I’m not the girl who forgets things as they’re happening. I’m not the girl who dismisses her own instincts as trivial passing thoughts. I’m not the girl who silently cries herself to sleep. I’m not the girl who screams to herself as her car flies down the highway. I’m not the girl who devours a gallon of ice cream with a bag of lays standing by. I’m not the girl who fakes being happy so no one will see she’s been crying all day. I’m not the girl who thinks you’re wonderful. I’m not the girl who will believe everything you say regardless of how hurtful your words or actions are.

And I am not the girl who will keep your secret for you.

Please keep that in mind when you enter my world again.

Fear and Living in the Past

Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

Fearing the past

I've been thinking today about fear. There was a time when I was afraid to remember. Not just afraid- terrified. I just knew there was so much there that I couldn't handle, couldn't deal with, couldn't move past... The list went on and on. I was afraid that if I saw everything, felt everything, knew everything that had happened; I would quite simply fall apart and never be able to put myself together again. I'd be lost forever to the pain. It was too much. It had to be too much. Why else would I have forgotten to begin with? Who in their right mind would want to know these things?!

Fearing the present

At every turn there was something new to be scared of. Little every day things, like being afraid of what someone was thinking as they looked at me. Were they judging? Did they know something I didn't? Could they somehow see past my smiles and my flighty attitude and notice the frightened child inside? "Shake it off," I'd think to myself, "They can't see anything you don't show them."

In my life I've been afraid of heights, roller coasters, water, scary movies, bugs, dogs, snakes, spiders, being left alone, being trapped, stuck, abducted, being let down and dissappointed, being forever dependant on someone else, never having it in me to take care of myself, never having it in me to be a good friend to anyone- or a good partner. I've been scared of ever having kids, of messing up someone else's life so badly that they'd never be able to make it right again, of being married to someone who had no idea what a nightmare he'd gotten himself into, of never moving past my past, of staying broken, and oddly- of healing and becoming someone people could count on. Because I was afraid if anyone ever really counted on me, I might let them down too.

Moving through fear and into the future

I have learned a lot about myself after years of giving into fear. And I've come to the conclusion that with me, fighting fear is all about trust. If I trust that those around me can handle me in the worst possible conditions, that they will love me for me no matter how irrational my fear is; and will support me as I face it, with their hand in mine or their arm around me- then I can do anything.

I have since narrowed my list of fears down considerably:

1. poisonous snakes and spiders
2. wild animals (i.e. bears, wolves, hyenas, etc...)
3. roller coasters that turn you upside down

All the other things don't scare me so much anymore. Because these things happen. Being afraid of them doesn't prevent that. Fear is not a plastic bubble that will keep me safe. It will; however, keep me from being happy.

And who in their right mind would want that?

Lost and Found and Letting Go

Today I held a little girl less than an hour after she entered this world. And I was overcome by a range of emotions, but mostly... utter amazement. It occurred to me that more than anything else, all I wanted to do was be there for my friend's new child. I wanted to protect her, teach her, and love her. And it is a truly amazing thing to be able to feel that strongly about someone you've only just met. The love in that room was so intense it could have knocked you over if it wanted to. What a great first impression to have of this life: to be surrounded by so much hope, love, and happiness at your arrival. And it is amazing to me that in our world, there exist children who were never lucky enough to have been present in a room like that.

Once upon a time, she was missing...

In the last few years, I've thought a lot about the value of my life. What I'm worth and what I am deserving of. About how long it took to find the things that were once stolen from me- and how hard it was to accept that they were ever really mine to begin with. And then, while holding this child, I realized there isn't a doubt in my mind that she deserves every happiness life has to offer. We all do. We are not worthless. Regardless of what we've been through. No matter what else we may have been told, we are priceless. Every last one of us.

A little over two years have passed since my miscarriage. And though it is not something I think about every day, or even every month, I cannot help but be reminded of it now. I remember all of the pain, loss and mourning. The paralyzing fear that I might ever have to go through that again. And then finally realizing that the risk would absolutely be worth it. And as I think back on my life over the years, I have to admit that it's always been about the chances I've been willing to take. Always. The moment I am ready to risk losing something I've clung to, I gain something even better.

Every time.

And she lived...

There comes a time in all of our lives when we are faced with the choice to regret or to move on, and it is always a difficult decision to make. But once we've decided to let go of what could have been, it only makes it easier to hold on to the wonderful things we already have. I understand so much more now about my path in this life and what I am meant to do here. And, yes, there has been great loss- but there have also been a great many blessings. As I sit here reflecting on times past, all I can think is how happy I am about where I am now. And how excited I am about where I am going next.

Two years ago, it just wasn't my time. It wasn't my time to be a mom. I accept that now. But I also know that someday, it will be.

I leave you now with an entry from my old journal.

Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn

Almost
7/28/1998

the eyes that never saw

the ears that never heard

the nose that never smelt a rose

the lips that never spoke a word

the battles never won or lost

the battles never fought

the chances never taken

the chances that were lost

the fears without a reason

the song without a voice

the times we wanted so badly to choose

but found we'd been afraid of the choice

the feelings of happiness that didn't stay long

uncovered the feelings inside

the unwelcomed sadness in an imaginary world

is the penalty for never paying the price

The memories that we wish we could change

will forever and always remain the same,

And nothing will ever be missed more

than all the somethings that almost were.

Something worth waiting for

"Waiting
standing still
holding my breath
till I'm told to exhale"

It's been a long time since I felt this calm. It seems as though someone pushed a giant pause button allowing me time and room to breathe. Funny. Just a handful of years ago, this was exactly what I asked for. I'm reminded of things I've written over the years. Journals during and after therapy. Times when I used to wake up at 4 am with the sudden need to get whatever thought was circling non-stop in my brain out on paper. It always brought me a brief sense of calm. But it was only ever a glimpse into what I'm experiencing now. Now is a time for quiet reflection. A small assessment of where I've been and how far I've come.

Seconds after writing this I dug out the old journals and papers. Smudged and torn. Stored away in an old notebook. Out of sight, but never out of mind. After reading through them, I realize this calm I've been presented with is a gift. Just another in a long line of amazing insights I've been given in the last few months.

I've typed out excerpts from the entries that really stood out to me. I hope they strike a chord with anyone else who's stumbled across this blog today. Because they certainly did with me.

2005-2006 Writings

"I wish that I could go to sleep and wake up happy."

"I remember when I first started to remember. The shock of everything rushing back because I let a drop of what "was" in. But actually, it didn't rush. It was almost unbearably slow. And I knew in my gut that there was more. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see it. What sticks out in my mind most is the day I started feeling. I had to remember a bad sensation in order to let myself feel all the good ones. I remember: I woke up. And it hit me- like truth. And I knew... And I felt sick. My eyes got very wide. And then I tried to shut it off again. I turned over, put my face in my pillow and I tried. Tried to flip the switch. To NOT feel. But it was too late. I knew everything now. That was the day I decided:

The only way is Forward.

I realized that you can know something every day of your life. But it's not real until you feel it. To feel something allows it to be a part of you. A part of your essence. Your being. A part of everything you will ever be.

It was my best and worst day. The day I first felt."

"Even now, writing this, tears come to my eyes. One day they won't. I believe this. There will be a day when I will tell my story with perfect clarity and no sadness. Not because I'm in denial of my feelings. But because I will have allowed myself to feel all the pain and sadness I have in me. I will have expressed it and accepted that I could really feel that badly. And I will have peace. The peace that can only come when you give yourself the freedom to fall apart. Because only when you're free to fall apart are you free to truly heal. You don't get to choose which risk you take. That would be too easy. You have to risk losing all of who you are to become someone great. There were laws I used to live by: Don't date. Don't leave a mediocre job. After all, it pays the bills. Don't get married. And if you do, don't expect it to be a successful marriage. Don't have children- you'll only screw them up. And don't make new friends. No one deserves to be exposed to your own private version of hell.

Pretty bleak. But the hardest decision I ever made was to risk losing all of that- the person I was- to become someone I could be proud to be."

"Pain is not everything I am anymore. Fear is not everything I am anymore. I am not just a rape victim. I am not just a victim of child molestation. I am not just a child who saw more than any child should see. That shield kept the pain from coming in. But it also kept me from coming in. I've been living outside of my own world for nearly 2 decades now and I'm ready to get back in. I'm ready to take control of my body and treat it well. Remind it that not every man is going to hurt it. Teach myself that there are some men I can trust. That I can let them into my world too and they won't try to rip it apart. I am ready to live without training wheels. I am ready to tear down the walls and drain the moat that surrounds me. I'm ready to burn down the fence and simply own a good guard dog. I'm ready to be me. Actually me. The whole me. With my past hurts, my present fear, and my future hope. I am ready to be off "pause." I am ready to finish healing."