Virus: Any morbid corrupting quality in intellectual or moral conditions; something that poisons the mind or the soul.
Disease: A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
The Plague
Today I visited the news websites of NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX. I typed “child abuse” into the search engine on each site and found countless articles and videos detailing missing children reports, offenders being brought to trial and police investigations into cults. What I was unable to find was a single article focusing on child abuse prevention.
It’s amazing what a runaway train this has become. Our media is saturated with it. Law makers, non-profit organizations and pro bono lawyers everywhere are actively attempting to create the perfect piece of legislation, a magic law that will keep all sexual offenders in check. They want to maintain constant surveillance of their movements and prevent them from living near parks and schools. Why parks and schools? Because children are there. Forget the fact that a vast majority of abused children know or live with their abusers. And constant surveillance? Longer prison sentences? Great. Now we’ve got an “extreme punishment” - the perfect excuse for defense attorneys to negotiate a lesser charge for their clients and put them back on the streets again all the sooner. Right on track.
And while we’re all focusing our energy on how to stop abuse once it starts, children are being victimized all around us. Children we know.
The Symptom
Think about where we are today. Out of control, chasing each individual “bad guy” hoping to catch them all and pin them down so they can’t hurt anybody anymore. We are so distracted. We forget that those who have already been abused are more likely to repeat that pattern than those who have never been victimized. So for every offender we manage to put behind bars, we’ve completely ignored countless others popping up all around us. We don’t see the real problem; we are trying to solve a symptom. And that simply can’t be done.
Changing Focus
We must start at square one. Close your eyes. Imagine a clean slate. Don’t think about numbers. Don’t think about punishment. Just think about the children you know. Can you see them? Are they strong, healthy, happy? Do they maintain appropriate boundaries with people they’ve just met? If your answer was “no” to either of those questions, then the child you see is in danger. He or she may have been abused. And if not, there is a strong possibility of it happening. We have to acknowledge that. We must learn how to create and maintain healthy environments for our kids because they just don’t know how to do that yet. A child who feels lonely or neglected is far more likely to be vulnerable to a potential abuser. So pay attention to them. Play with them. Show them what love is. If you give them a good example now, then they will be less likely to confuse it with something else down the road.
Healing
When you think back on the times when you’ve been punished, how often do you remember feeling guilt? Guilt is a powerful emotion. It has the ability to lower your self esteem immensely. Guilt makes you seek comfort wherever you can find it, even in the unhealthiest of places.
All survivors of sexual abuse feel guilt. It doesn’t make a difference if they know that it wasn’t their fault. The guilt is there anyway. The only thing that has proven itself time and again to be able to heal all the negativity that guilt creates is therapy. I encourage everyone dealing with this issue and these emotions to seek professional guidance whenever you can. Because when you embrace the possibility that they can help you, then they will.
I’ve read in so many places that a majority of sex offenders were at one time victims themselves. Can you imagine the level of guilt they must feel every second of every day? Not just living with the memories of their own abuse, but knowing that they’d been the cause of pain in so many others. It must be overwhelming. I am going to make a radical statement now and say that punishing them the way we have been is not going to make them stop. There must be another solution out there. There must be some way to reach a person who is already in too deep. Should we give these people a chance to overcome the illness that has plagued them their entire lives? Or have they actually gone from being victims to being monsters?
I’m not sure what the answer is. But I have a strong feeling that if we all take a good, hard look with open minds- we will find it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Are We Ready?
Denial is a powerful thing. So powerful in fact, that it prevents us from seeing what has been staring us in the face our entire lives.
The Bottom Line
As of 1987, at least 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse existed in America.
As of 1997, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 6 men had been sexually abused before the age of 18.
In 1997, 1,054,000 children were confirmed by child protective services agencies (CPS) as victims of some form of abuse (15 out of every 1000 US children).
As of 2000, 70% of all reported sexual assaults occurred to children ages 17 and under.
Studies conducted from 2001-2003 showed that only 10% of childhood victims were abused by strangers.
In 1995, nearly 50% of women in prison and over 75% of serial rapists stated that they were abused as children.
An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his or her lifetime.
Over 100 individual studies conducted over the past 30 years have yielded similar if not the exact same results.
What does this mean?
We teach our children about “Stranger Danger.” We teach them about “Bad Touch- Good Touch.” We tell them to scream, run away, and call 911.
We’ve taught them the same things for years.
But nothing has changed.
Kids in early development may not be able to process what is happening to them in enough time to do anything to stop it. So why do we focus on their education instead of our own? Since when is it our children’s job to protect themselves? As I was growing up, I don’t remember much being said to me about sexual abuse past the age of 7 or 8. Some people I’ve spoken to don’t remember hearing about it at all.
Why so taboo?
What is everybody afraid of?
What could talking about it hurt?
Could we possibly be scared to discover that we are just not doing enough?
The Reality
The reality is that roughly 20% of all Americans have been sexually abused as children, but you may be under the impression that you don’t know any of these people.
After reviewing the statistics, do you think you’re right?
These facts only include what has previously been reported. In reality, the numbers are much more significant. I have personally known at least 20 survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Only one of them ever reported any of it.
But let us set aside the real number for a moment and assume that there actually are only 20% of us. Wouldn’t that be 20% of all of us? Then that means 20% of all School Administrators and Board Members, 20% of Government Officials, and 20% of Voters have at one time been victimized.
Imagine the impact that could have on our society.
Imagine the impact it has had on our society.
Get Ready
Have you ever wondered why this is kept as such a carefully guarded secret? Are you aware of what signs to look for in both children and adults? Some of you have already been introduced to the various red flags that indicate a child may have been abused. When you first heard them, do you remember feeling like all of a sudden, things made sense? Like maybe that feeling in your gut wasn’t completely off base after all?
Then why isn’t this information everywhere? Why must we seek it out? Everyday, we see commercials and billboards alerting us to the dangers of smoking marijuana, but nothing about watching out for the safety of our kids.
Isn’t it a little strange that at a drop of a hat, we can list 3 or 4 signs that someone is high, but we can’t see that the child standing right in front of us has been molested?
Isn’t it about time to reevaluate the way we approach this issue? If the statistics haven’t changed, then clearly the actions we’ve taken in the last 30 years have had little to no effect.
I encourage you to start thinking outside the box. This is not a problem that will eventually solve itself. And with the uphill battle ahead of us, it’s going to take an incredibly massive public stand to make any noticeable difference. I hope that as you have read this, it has opened your eyes. And for those whose eyes were already open, I hope you begin to take action. Learn a little bit more everyday. Search for your own answers. Speak out when you notice that things are happening to the children around you. Remember that although people may not yet be ready to hear it, this desperately needs to be said.
Because It’s Time
If 39 million childhood sexual abuse survivors were living in America in 1987, how many do you think are among us now? And how much of this do you think could have been prevented?
Don't fool yourself. Think about the children you know. Acknowledge the possibility. If you don't take notice now, it will only make it harder for them to heal.
At some point, we have to decide that enough is enough. We have to learn how to trust our instincts. How to change the patterns of behavior that have kept us repeatedly placing ourselves and our loved ones in danger. Because we simply have no other choice.
Take the risk.
I promise it will be worth it.
References
http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm ACE Study - Prevalence - Adverse Childhood Experiences
Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K., & Wolak, J. (2001, March). Highlights of the youth internet safety survey. US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
U.S. Department of Justice (2001). Internet crimes against children. OVC Bulletin. Washington, DC: US Depar tment of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime.
Abel, G., Becker, J., Mittelman , M., Cunningham- Rathner, J., Rouleau, J., & Murphy, W. (1987). Self reported sex crimes on non-incarcerated paraphiliacs. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2(1), 3-25.
Snyder, H N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Depar tment of Justice.
Kilpatrick, D., Saunders, B., & Smith, D. (2003). Youth victimization: Prevalence and implications. U.S. Depar tment of Justice, National Institute of Justice report.
Abel, G. & Harlow, N. (2001). Stop child molestation book. Abel and Harlow.
Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us.Child Abuse & Neglect, 5, 579-594.
The Bottom Line
As of 1987, at least 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse existed in America.
As of 1997, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 6 men had been sexually abused before the age of 18.
In 1997, 1,054,000 children were confirmed by child protective services agencies (CPS) as victims of some form of abuse (15 out of every 1000 US children).
As of 2000, 70% of all reported sexual assaults occurred to children ages 17 and under.
Studies conducted from 2001-2003 showed that only 10% of childhood victims were abused by strangers.
In 1995, nearly 50% of women in prison and over 75% of serial rapists stated that they were abused as children.
An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his or her lifetime.
Over 100 individual studies conducted over the past 30 years have yielded similar if not the exact same results.
What does this mean?
We teach our children about “Stranger Danger.” We teach them about “Bad Touch- Good Touch.” We tell them to scream, run away, and call 911.
We’ve taught them the same things for years.
But nothing has changed.
Kids in early development may not be able to process what is happening to them in enough time to do anything to stop it. So why do we focus on their education instead of our own? Since when is it our children’s job to protect themselves? As I was growing up, I don’t remember much being said to me about sexual abuse past the age of 7 or 8. Some people I’ve spoken to don’t remember hearing about it at all.
Why so taboo?
What is everybody afraid of?
What could talking about it hurt?
Could we possibly be scared to discover that we are just not doing enough?
The Reality
The reality is that roughly 20% of all Americans have been sexually abused as children, but you may be under the impression that you don’t know any of these people.
After reviewing the statistics, do you think you’re right?
These facts only include what has previously been reported. In reality, the numbers are much more significant. I have personally known at least 20 survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Only one of them ever reported any of it.
But let us set aside the real number for a moment and assume that there actually are only 20% of us. Wouldn’t that be 20% of all of us? Then that means 20% of all School Administrators and Board Members, 20% of Government Officials, and 20% of Voters have at one time been victimized.
Imagine the impact that could have on our society.
Imagine the impact it has had on our society.
Get Ready
Have you ever wondered why this is kept as such a carefully guarded secret? Are you aware of what signs to look for in both children and adults? Some of you have already been introduced to the various red flags that indicate a child may have been abused. When you first heard them, do you remember feeling like all of a sudden, things made sense? Like maybe that feeling in your gut wasn’t completely off base after all?
Then why isn’t this information everywhere? Why must we seek it out? Everyday, we see commercials and billboards alerting us to the dangers of smoking marijuana, but nothing about watching out for the safety of our kids.
Isn’t it a little strange that at a drop of a hat, we can list 3 or 4 signs that someone is high, but we can’t see that the child standing right in front of us has been molested?
Isn’t it about time to reevaluate the way we approach this issue? If the statistics haven’t changed, then clearly the actions we’ve taken in the last 30 years have had little to no effect.
I encourage you to start thinking outside the box. This is not a problem that will eventually solve itself. And with the uphill battle ahead of us, it’s going to take an incredibly massive public stand to make any noticeable difference. I hope that as you have read this, it has opened your eyes. And for those whose eyes were already open, I hope you begin to take action. Learn a little bit more everyday. Search for your own answers. Speak out when you notice that things are happening to the children around you. Remember that although people may not yet be ready to hear it, this desperately needs to be said.
Because It’s Time
If 39 million childhood sexual abuse survivors were living in America in 1987, how many do you think are among us now? And how much of this do you think could have been prevented?
Don't fool yourself. Think about the children you know. Acknowledge the possibility. If you don't take notice now, it will only make it harder for them to heal.
At some point, we have to decide that enough is enough. We have to learn how to trust our instincts. How to change the patterns of behavior that have kept us repeatedly placing ourselves and our loved ones in danger. Because we simply have no other choice.
Take the risk.
I promise it will be worth it.
********************
References
http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm ACE Study - Prevalence - Adverse Childhood Experiences
Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K., & Wolak, J. (2001, March). Highlights of the youth internet safety survey. US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
U.S. Department of Justice (2001). Internet crimes against children. OVC Bulletin. Washington, DC: US Depar tment of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime.
Abel, G., Becker, J., Mittelman , M., Cunningham- Rathner, J., Rouleau, J., & Murphy, W. (1987). Self reported sex crimes on non-incarcerated paraphiliacs. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2(1), 3-25.
Snyder, H N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Depar tment of Justice.
Kilpatrick, D., Saunders, B., & Smith, D. (2003). Youth victimization: Prevalence and implications. U.S. Depar tment of Justice, National Institute of Justice report.
Abel, G. & Harlow, N. (2001). Stop child molestation book. Abel and Harlow.
Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us.Child Abuse & Neglect, 5, 579-594.
Monday, February 16, 2009
A Piece of My Story
I have decided to follow in my little sister's footsteps and join in a writing exercise chronicling the intense and incredible journey I have been on my entire life. I do not regret a single step of it. Before I delve in, allow me to share where I am today.
Today:
Today I am happy. I have a job that supports me and allows me time and energy to do theater, which I love. I have a handful of incredibly wonderful and supportive friends who comfort me when I'm hurting, lift my spirits when I need it, and laugh with me daily. My relationship with my immediate family is constantly growing stronger and I have an incredible bond with my sister. The moment in my life that I am most proud of is the first day I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw.
My life was not always like this.
The incidents that occurred in my early childhood had a vast and dire effect on my friendships, relationships, spirituality, world views, and overall life experiences. I worked very hard to discover the truth of who I was beneath the fear, pain, and trauma which dictated my every move. These things happened. They made me into someone who feared everything and everyone. But they are no longer the dominating force in my mind. The most difficult part was choosing to face my fear of losing the persona I'd created only to discover that I really was disgusting, ugly, and worthless.
Today, I would make the exact same decision.
The missing piece:
At the age of 5 or 6, my sister and I were attacked by a neighbor. The threats he made to the two of us would be the root of every nightmare for years to come. I was raped in that house. And I feel certain it will always be the scariest day of my life. I forgot what had happened within minutes of it ending.
In the 5 years that followed, I was repeatedly molested by a family friend. Had it not been for the first incident, I may have been able to tell someone what he was doing. But forgetting was already a pattern. And you can forget something as it's happening to you. His words to me through this period had a profound effect on my personality and my self worth. It has been a long road to healing the hurt that he inflicted. This combined with the extreme guilt I felt for not protecting my sister created such a low view of myself that every day I would look in a mirror, I would become depressed and disappointed in the person staring back at me.
Life after the abuse:
Sixteen years after the initial trauma, memories began to surface. I fought with my parents nearly every day of those sixteen years. My sister and I were like two tornados whirling through the house. If we hit, it resulted in mass destruction. I didn't know why my family life was so tumultuous. I didn't realize exactly how angry I was. And the moment the first flash back came, I didn't see it coming.
Within a year of this discovery, my aunt passed away. I was devastated. Her death was the perfect excuse to get into therapy. I cherish the sessions I had both individually and with the small group of her other patients. They were draining and confusing. Painful and relieving. They helped me to understand an important aspect of human nature. We all react to pain, and we can find solace in sharing those reactions. We are more alike than we think, and we can find understanding and acceptance in unlikely places.
After a year of therapy, I'd grown to love myself for who I was instead of for what I could do. I found myself to be a strong, beautiful, determined woman and a loyal and trustworthy friend. I realized the root of the argument I repeated with my parents every day was buried in a memory from long ago. A time when I assumed that they knew about the abuse but simply chose to do nothing. I held on to the belief that they chose not to protect me. It wasn't true. They never knew we'd been hurt until my sister and I told them more than a decade later. I'd also discovered a need to be independent that I never had before. I worked hard and began to support myself. I had a few romantic relationships destined for failure because I still had so much trauma to work through. But I did, eventually, work through it. One of these relationships resulted in a miscarriage two years ago. And while the first trauma I experienced will remain the scariest day of my life, the day I lost my baby is most definitely the saddest.
Since my first flashback and through the last five years, I have come to discover a new relationship with God. The one I had while growing up was shaky at best. I was very disillusioned with him and believed that, similarly to my parents, he had chosen not to protect me. It is my belief now that God's priority is not my physical body, but my soul. And while I have been placed in situations that were painful and frightening, I have always found the strength I needed to get through them. I have always been provided with the people I needed to show me a path, listen to me cry, hold me up when I'm weak, and pick up the pieces when I fall apart. Without those people, I would truly have been lost. And without God to help me see, I never would have noticed they were there.
My blog:
My purpose in writing this blog is to share my growth and my journey to healing. I am not seeking validation. I know that these things happened, and that knowledge is enough for me. I am not seeking a support system. I already have that. I will not detail the experiences that I have endured out of respect for those who may read this. They are uncomfortable, unnecessary, and could trigger memories in those not yet ready to face them.
I only wish for my writings to be comforting to those who feel alone in their experience. I would like to bring hope to those whose children are currently dealing with the horrifying trauma of abuse. Hope that they too will see better days at the end of their journeys. I want to inspire other abuse survivors to break their own silence and share their story. And I wish to encourage anyone who reads this to follow your instincts. To listen to your gut. To know without a doubt that if you have the slightest inkling that a child you know is being hurt, you should speak up. To speak up is always difficult. But our silence is the only weapon our abusers have against us.
My promise:
These men commit their crimes in secret, in darkness, in quiet. These are not powerful men. It does not take great strength to hurt a child- it takes great weakness. Understanding this is an important step toward creating a world our children can feel safe in. Whatever lies children believe, they should never have to believe that the adults surrounding them will not defend them. They deserve to be able to trust us. And I am fully committed to live every day of my life in an effort to achieve that goal.
Today:
Today I am happy. I have a job that supports me and allows me time and energy to do theater, which I love. I have a handful of incredibly wonderful and supportive friends who comfort me when I'm hurting, lift my spirits when I need it, and laugh with me daily. My relationship with my immediate family is constantly growing stronger and I have an incredible bond with my sister. The moment in my life that I am most proud of is the first day I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw.
My life was not always like this.
The incidents that occurred in my early childhood had a vast and dire effect on my friendships, relationships, spirituality, world views, and overall life experiences. I worked very hard to discover the truth of who I was beneath the fear, pain, and trauma which dictated my every move. These things happened. They made me into someone who feared everything and everyone. But they are no longer the dominating force in my mind. The most difficult part was choosing to face my fear of losing the persona I'd created only to discover that I really was disgusting, ugly, and worthless.
Today, I would make the exact same decision.
The missing piece:
At the age of 5 or 6, my sister and I were attacked by a neighbor. The threats he made to the two of us would be the root of every nightmare for years to come. I was raped in that house. And I feel certain it will always be the scariest day of my life. I forgot what had happened within minutes of it ending.
In the 5 years that followed, I was repeatedly molested by a family friend. Had it not been for the first incident, I may have been able to tell someone what he was doing. But forgetting was already a pattern. And you can forget something as it's happening to you. His words to me through this period had a profound effect on my personality and my self worth. It has been a long road to healing the hurt that he inflicted. This combined with the extreme guilt I felt for not protecting my sister created such a low view of myself that every day I would look in a mirror, I would become depressed and disappointed in the person staring back at me.
Life after the abuse:
Sixteen years after the initial trauma, memories began to surface. I fought with my parents nearly every day of those sixteen years. My sister and I were like two tornados whirling through the house. If we hit, it resulted in mass destruction. I didn't know why my family life was so tumultuous. I didn't realize exactly how angry I was. And the moment the first flash back came, I didn't see it coming.
Within a year of this discovery, my aunt passed away. I was devastated. Her death was the perfect excuse to get into therapy. I cherish the sessions I had both individually and with the small group of her other patients. They were draining and confusing. Painful and relieving. They helped me to understand an important aspect of human nature. We all react to pain, and we can find solace in sharing those reactions. We are more alike than we think, and we can find understanding and acceptance in unlikely places.
After a year of therapy, I'd grown to love myself for who I was instead of for what I could do. I found myself to be a strong, beautiful, determined woman and a loyal and trustworthy friend. I realized the root of the argument I repeated with my parents every day was buried in a memory from long ago. A time when I assumed that they knew about the abuse but simply chose to do nothing. I held on to the belief that they chose not to protect me. It wasn't true. They never knew we'd been hurt until my sister and I told them more than a decade later. I'd also discovered a need to be independent that I never had before. I worked hard and began to support myself. I had a few romantic relationships destined for failure because I still had so much trauma to work through. But I did, eventually, work through it. One of these relationships resulted in a miscarriage two years ago. And while the first trauma I experienced will remain the scariest day of my life, the day I lost my baby is most definitely the saddest.
Since my first flashback and through the last five years, I have come to discover a new relationship with God. The one I had while growing up was shaky at best. I was very disillusioned with him and believed that, similarly to my parents, he had chosen not to protect me. It is my belief now that God's priority is not my physical body, but my soul. And while I have been placed in situations that were painful and frightening, I have always found the strength I needed to get through them. I have always been provided with the people I needed to show me a path, listen to me cry, hold me up when I'm weak, and pick up the pieces when I fall apart. Without those people, I would truly have been lost. And without God to help me see, I never would have noticed they were there.
My blog:
My purpose in writing this blog is to share my growth and my journey to healing. I am not seeking validation. I know that these things happened, and that knowledge is enough for me. I am not seeking a support system. I already have that. I will not detail the experiences that I have endured out of respect for those who may read this. They are uncomfortable, unnecessary, and could trigger memories in those not yet ready to face them.
I only wish for my writings to be comforting to those who feel alone in their experience. I would like to bring hope to those whose children are currently dealing with the horrifying trauma of abuse. Hope that they too will see better days at the end of their journeys. I want to inspire other abuse survivors to break their own silence and share their story. And I wish to encourage anyone who reads this to follow your instincts. To listen to your gut. To know without a doubt that if you have the slightest inkling that a child you know is being hurt, you should speak up. To speak up is always difficult. But our silence is the only weapon our abusers have against us.
My promise:
These men commit their crimes in secret, in darkness, in quiet. These are not powerful men. It does not take great strength to hurt a child- it takes great weakness. Understanding this is an important step toward creating a world our children can feel safe in. Whatever lies children believe, they should never have to believe that the adults surrounding them will not defend them. They deserve to be able to trust us. And I am fully committed to live every day of my life in an effort to achieve that goal.
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