So many moments in the past two and a half months have felt magical. As if I was following the path perfectly, never losing sight of where I was supposed to go or which steps I should take. If I even considered veering, it would suddenly become very difficult- so I’d go back, without a doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do. At every turn, as soon as I’d think, “What’s next?” the answer would just be there in front of me. Answers would come in dreams, at work while I was just sitting at my desk, or in a conversation with a friend. I would turn around and suddenly be looking in just the right place.
It’s amazing what happens when you finally give in and trust that God is leading you.
I’d like to share something that I haven’t thought about in years. When I was fifteen years old, I used to write. Angsty poetry mostly, but one day I wrote this. It was different from the others, important. And it came so suddenly, I hardly had time to think about it as I was writing. I didn’t know what it meant then. Now I do.
A Thousand (Sept 1, 1998)
A thousand people stop and stare
A thousand people walk by
A thousand cries of anger and sadness
as a thousand people die
A thousand people unsuspecting
A thousand diseases aren’t spotted
A thousand feelings of sorrow and regret
as a thousand others leave them broken hearted
One person decided to make a change
One person decided to stop the crying
And one by one the number added
till fewer and fewer souls were dying
One person decided to make a difference
One thought inside a thousand heads
But a thousand people feared that thought
A thousand people thought they couldn’t stand
A thousand people stood side by side
Another and another added on
till all the women and every man
found that they did hold the world in their hands
And those thousands together were strong
If there was ever a doubt lingering in the back of my mind that this website was what I was supposed to create, then finding that poem completely eliminated it. I realize now that this was in the works long before I became aware of it. Everything in my life adds up to this, to making me into someone who would be willing and able to provide this tool to others. Everything comes full circle. Even when I look back on the times when I was at my lowest. Times when I remember feeling helpless, hopeless and abandoned- somehow the answer was always there if I looked in the right place. If I looked up, turned around, or simply picked up the phone- someone was always there for me. Always. Pointing the way, saying just the right thing, guiding me to who I was beyond the pain. Even when it was cloudy, I was always shown a way out. I’m going to trust in that now more than ever.
On a separate but very related note, thanks to the assistance of a few good friends, the site is almost finished.
More to come soon.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Something to Say
After quietly contemplating these past couple of months, I have decided that it’s time. Time to share. Time to read what others wish to share. It is time to find each other. To truly know that we are not alone in this.
The Beginning
It started with a blog. I was finally able to write it all out- the basics, the essential parts of my past. I was given a way to present them so that they were succinct and easy to understand. A way that helped me connect to those around me. A way that finally enabled me to connect my self in the present to my self in the past.
And in the end, it’s still all about connection.
Moving Toward Something Bigger
Within minutes of writing the first of these blog entries, I was flooded with thoughts. They seemed to appear out of thin air. And this thing that can only be described as Divine Inspiration has completely taken over every free moment in my life since. The feeling is indescribable. And I could not possibly feel more blessed and happy for having received this gift.
I will be reaching out. In the next few weeks, I will be reaching out to anyone- everyone. We have suffered in silence for too long. We deserve a way to share what has happened to us. To provide inspiration for those who have yet to begin their growth past the pain. We need an outlet. And I’ve got it.
Creating a Path
It’s actually pretty simple. I’ve read it a million different places. The thing most essential to healing emotional pain, is to be able to express it and have it heard by others. No argument, only validation and complete acceptance. So that is what I will provide.
There are several websites currently up and running that offer forums for people to discuss the abuse they’ve endured. Visitors are encouraged to post freely, as long as they are not attacking someone else on the site. The idea is to find a sort of online support system. And it’s anonymous- which is extremely attractive to a person recovering to this specific brand of trauma. But what these sites don’t address is the fact that simply divulging details of the abuse can be very harmful to someone who is not emotionally ready to be triggered. Trauma is a tricky thing to deal with. A certain sensitivity is needed. Boundaries should be firmly in place. These sites, while well intentioned, have become toxic environments filled with self-destructive patterns of behavior that effectively re-victimize the unsuspecting reader.
But what if there was a site you could visit and read stories of growth beyond the abuse? What if you could see the paths others have taken before you? What if the focus was taken off of the actual abuse, and placed where it should be? The survival and the journey past it.
Most importantly, this will be a site parents can feel comfortable with their children visiting. It will be very carefully monitored. There will be a submission process, not an open forum. Triggering details of abuse will be completely excluded because, while it is important for an individual’s growth to share them, posting these details in plain view of anyone who may stumble across them is potentially harmful to others who have been victimized. And in the end, the point is not what happened to you. The point is that you have found it within you to grow beyond the abuse and find who you truly are again.
Say Something
If as you are reading this you want to become a part of it, please let me know. I will need a piece of your story. In fact, I will need several pieces.
There are so many of us. So many. And so often we meet and never know that this has happened to each other. Imagine when you first started your journey. Whether it was facing memories for the first time, or finally acknowledging that they were there. We all began somewhere. Lost and confused about who we were and what we were capable of accomplishing. Imagine if you’d had a place like this to go. To see for the first time that not only had it happened to others, but that it wasn’t the end of the world.
I feel like this will be an important step. It’s not the ultimate answer. It’s not the great big solution. But it will definitely play a part. And I feel incredibly excited to see that happen.
The Beginning
It started with a blog. I was finally able to write it all out- the basics, the essential parts of my past. I was given a way to present them so that they were succinct and easy to understand. A way that helped me connect to those around me. A way that finally enabled me to connect my self in the present to my self in the past.
And in the end, it’s still all about connection.
Moving Toward Something Bigger
Within minutes of writing the first of these blog entries, I was flooded with thoughts. They seemed to appear out of thin air. And this thing that can only be described as Divine Inspiration has completely taken over every free moment in my life since. The feeling is indescribable. And I could not possibly feel more blessed and happy for having received this gift.
I will be reaching out. In the next few weeks, I will be reaching out to anyone- everyone. We have suffered in silence for too long. We deserve a way to share what has happened to us. To provide inspiration for those who have yet to begin their growth past the pain. We need an outlet. And I’ve got it.
Creating a Path
It’s actually pretty simple. I’ve read it a million different places. The thing most essential to healing emotional pain, is to be able to express it and have it heard by others. No argument, only validation and complete acceptance. So that is what I will provide.
There are several websites currently up and running that offer forums for people to discuss the abuse they’ve endured. Visitors are encouraged to post freely, as long as they are not attacking someone else on the site. The idea is to find a sort of online support system. And it’s anonymous- which is extremely attractive to a person recovering to this specific brand of trauma. But what these sites don’t address is the fact that simply divulging details of the abuse can be very harmful to someone who is not emotionally ready to be triggered. Trauma is a tricky thing to deal with. A certain sensitivity is needed. Boundaries should be firmly in place. These sites, while well intentioned, have become toxic environments filled with self-destructive patterns of behavior that effectively re-victimize the unsuspecting reader.
But what if there was a site you could visit and read stories of growth beyond the abuse? What if you could see the paths others have taken before you? What if the focus was taken off of the actual abuse, and placed where it should be? The survival and the journey past it.
Most importantly, this will be a site parents can feel comfortable with their children visiting. It will be very carefully monitored. There will be a submission process, not an open forum. Triggering details of abuse will be completely excluded because, while it is important for an individual’s growth to share them, posting these details in plain view of anyone who may stumble across them is potentially harmful to others who have been victimized. And in the end, the point is not what happened to you. The point is that you have found it within you to grow beyond the abuse and find who you truly are again.
Say Something
If as you are reading this you want to become a part of it, please let me know. I will need a piece of your story. In fact, I will need several pieces.
There are so many of us. So many. And so often we meet and never know that this has happened to each other. Imagine when you first started your journey. Whether it was facing memories for the first time, or finally acknowledging that they were there. We all began somewhere. Lost and confused about who we were and what we were capable of accomplishing. Imagine if you’d had a place like this to go. To see for the first time that not only had it happened to others, but that it wasn’t the end of the world.
I feel like this will be an important step. It’s not the ultimate answer. It’s not the great big solution. But it will definitely play a part. And I feel incredibly excited to see that happen.
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