Fear and Living in the Past

Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

Fearing the past

I've been thinking today about fear. There was a time when I was afraid to remember. Not just afraid- terrified. I just knew there was so much there that I couldn't handle, couldn't deal with, couldn't move past... The list went on and on. I was afraid that if I saw everything, felt everything, knew everything that had happened; I would quite simply fall apart and never be able to put myself together again. I'd be lost forever to the pain. It was too much. It had to be too much. Why else would I have forgotten to begin with? Who in their right mind would want to know these things?!

Fearing the present

At every turn there was something new to be scared of. Little every day things, like being afraid of what someone was thinking as they looked at me. Were they judging? Did they know something I didn't? Could they somehow see past my smiles and my flighty attitude and notice the frightened child inside? "Shake it off," I'd think to myself, "They can't see anything you don't show them."

In my life I've been afraid of heights, roller coasters, water, scary movies, bugs, dogs, snakes, spiders, being left alone, being trapped, stuck, abducted, being let down and dissappointed, being forever dependant on someone else, never having it in me to take care of myself, never having it in me to be a good friend to anyone- or a good partner. I've been scared of ever having kids, of messing up someone else's life so badly that they'd never be able to make it right again, of being married to someone who had no idea what a nightmare he'd gotten himself into, of never moving past my past, of staying broken, and oddly- of healing and becoming someone people could count on. Because I was afraid if anyone ever really counted on me, I might let them down too.

Moving through fear and into the future

I have learned a lot about myself after years of giving into fear. And I've come to the conclusion that with me, fighting fear is all about trust. If I trust that those around me can handle me in the worst possible conditions, that they will love me for me no matter how irrational my fear is; and will support me as I face it, with their hand in mine or their arm around me- then I can do anything.

I have since narrowed my list of fears down considerably:

1. poisonous snakes and spiders
2. wild animals (i.e. bears, wolves, hyenas, etc...)
3. roller coasters that turn you upside down

All the other things don't scare me so much anymore. Because these things happen. Being afraid of them doesn't prevent that. Fear is not a plastic bubble that will keep me safe. It will; however, keep me from being happy.

And who in their right mind would want that?

Lost and Found and Letting Go

Today I held a little girl less than an hour after she entered this world. And I was overcome by a range of emotions, but mostly... utter amazement. It occurred to me that more than anything else, all I wanted to do was be there for my friend's new child. I wanted to protect her, teach her, and love her. And it is a truly amazing thing to be able to feel that strongly about someone you've only just met. The love in that room was so intense it could have knocked you over if it wanted to. What a great first impression to have of this life: to be surrounded by so much hope, love, and happiness at your arrival. And it is amazing to me that in our world, there exist children who were never lucky enough to have been present in a room like that.

Once upon a time, she was missing...

In the last few years, I've thought a lot about the value of my life. What I'm worth and what I am deserving of. About how long it took to find the things that were once stolen from me- and how hard it was to accept that they were ever really mine to begin with. And then, while holding this child, I realized there isn't a doubt in my mind that she deserves every happiness life has to offer. We all do. We are not worthless. Regardless of what we've been through. No matter what else we may have been told, we are priceless. Every last one of us.

A little over two years have passed since my miscarriage. And though it is not something I think about every day, or even every month, I cannot help but be reminded of it now. I remember all of the pain, loss and mourning. The paralyzing fear that I might ever have to go through that again. And then finally realizing that the risk would absolutely be worth it. And as I think back on my life over the years, I have to admit that it's always been about the chances I've been willing to take. Always. The moment I am ready to risk losing something I've clung to, I gain something even better.

Every time.

And she lived...

There comes a time in all of our lives when we are faced with the choice to regret or to move on, and it is always a difficult decision to make. But once we've decided to let go of what could have been, it only makes it easier to hold on to the wonderful things we already have. I understand so much more now about my path in this life and what I am meant to do here. And, yes, there has been great loss- but there have also been a great many blessings. As I sit here reflecting on times past, all I can think is how happy I am about where I am now. And how excited I am about where I am going next.

Two years ago, it just wasn't my time. It wasn't my time to be a mom. I accept that now. And who knows? Maybe someday, it will be.

I leave you now with an entry from my old journal.

Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn

Almost 7/28/1998

the eyes that never saw

the ears that never heard

the nose that never smelt a rose

the lips that never spoke a word

the battles never won or lost

the battles never fought

the chances never taken

the chances that were lost

the fears without a reason

the song without a voice

the times we wanted so badly to choose

but found we'd been afraid of the choice

the feelings of happiness that didn't stay long

uncovered the feelings inside

the unwelcomed sadness in an imaginary world

is the penalty for never paying the price

The memories that we wish we could change

will forever and always remain the same,

And nothing will ever be missed more

than all the somethings that almost were.