Fear and Living in the Past

Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

Fearing the past

I've been thinking today about fear. There was a time when I was afraid to remember. Not just afraid- terrified. I just knew there was so much there that I couldn't handle, couldn't deal with, couldn't move past... The list went on and on. I was afraid that if I saw everything, felt everything, knew everything that had happened; I would quite simply fall apart and never be able to put myself together again. I'd be lost forever to the pain. It was too much. It had to be too much. Why else would I have forgotten to begin with? Who in their right mind would want to know these things?!

Fearing the present

At every turn there was something new to be scared of. Little every day things, like being afraid of what someone was thinking as they looked at me. Were they judging? Did they know something I didn't? Could they somehow see past my smiles and my flighty attitude and notice the frightened child inside? "Shake it off," I'd think to myself, "They can't see anything you don't show them."

In my life I've been afraid of heights, roller coasters, water, scary movies, bugs, dogs, snakes, spiders, being left alone, being trapped, stuck, abducted, being let down and dissappointed, being forever dependant on someone else, never having it in me to take care of myself, never having it in me to be a good friend to anyone- or a good partner. I've been scared of ever having kids, of messing up someone else's life so badly that they'd never be able to make it right again, of being married to someone who had no idea what a nightmare he'd gotten himself into, of never moving past my past, of staying broken, and oddly- of healing and becoming someone people could count on. Because I was afraid if anyone ever really counted on me, I might let them down too.

Moving through fear and into the future

I have learned a lot about myself after years of giving into fear. And I've come to the conclusion that with me, fighting fear is all about trust. If I trust that those around me can handle me in the worst possible conditions, that they will love me for me no matter how irrational my fear is; and will support me as I face it, with their hand in mine or their arm around me- then I can do anything.

I have since narrowed my list of fears down considerably:

1. poisonous snakes and spiders
2. wild animals (i.e. bears, wolves, hyenas, etc...)
3. roller coasters that turn you upside down

All the other things don't scare me so much anymore. Because these things happen. Being afraid of them doesn't prevent that. Fear is not a plastic bubble that will keep me safe. It will; however, keep me from being happy.

And who in their right mind would want that?