Friday, October 16, 2009

Hide and Seek

Sometimes what seems impossible to find is right under our noses.

If you have been following my blog for the last several months, you will have noticed that I have focused on a single issue: child sexual abuse. I have been asked a number of times why specifically sexual abuse as opposed to emotional or physical, and the answer is simply that this is the type of abuse that is discussed the least. It is the most hidden. It is kept secret by perpetrators, victims, survivors, and everyone that surrounds them. It is widely considered taboo to even bring up the subject. Those who have never experienced it themselves do not begin the conversation because they’re afraid that the people they’re talking to might have. They wonder if bringing it up will offend them or hurt them in some way, which makes much needed dialogue uncomfortable and awkward. Those who have been victimized or who are perpetrators themselves usually don’t speak of it out of shame. It’s pretty safe to say that the only people who are vocal about the issue are the survivors who have remembered and reclaimed their voice.

In thinking about the many reasons why we choose not to speak, I have determined that several if not all of them are rooted in fear. We are afraid to offend, afraid of saying too much, afraid to embarrass, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid of everyone knowing, afraid of the reaction, afraid of what else might need to be said, afraid of the questions, afraid that people will look at us differently, afraid that no one will listen, afraid that no one will accept, afraid of being rejected. With all of that pressure, can you really blame us for keeping silent for so long?

If all of the reasons we hide boil down to the fact that we are afraid, then the thing that may help us the most is to answer all of the unanswered questions that feed our fears.

Knowledge is Power

I began to wonder if there was anything out there solely focused on educating adults. We’ve all heard about the programs available to young children teaching the difference between safe and unsafe or welcome and unwelcome touches, but in reality those programs are incapable of protecting children as long as the adults around them are not receiving similar education. I kept my eyes and ears open for anything that could be beneficial. I focused on the Early Home Visitation programs for young or “at risk” parents, but while they are extremely helpful at creating a positive, nurturing, and healthy environment, they are not designed to focus on this particular problem.

Focus is necessary to transform our society from one that is afraid of discussing child sexual abuse to one which embraces open communication in an effort to prevent it.

Last week I was introduced to a social worker with Alliance for Children in Arlington. She informed me that her organization led classes specifically to teach adults how to recognize behaviors that might signal the occurrence of abuse in children as well as ways to appropriately respond when a child comes forward. I immediately asked for more information. After receiving the course materials and having an opportunity to look them over, I am even more impressed with the program. Not only does it identify specific physical and behavioral red flags, it also addresses how to discuss sexual abuse openly with kids- similarly to how candidly a parent would discuss looking both ways before crossing the street. The curriculum emphasizes several times that over 90% of abusers are known and trusted by their victims and victims’ families. I have never seen a program so determined to wake people up.

At the end of the course, you really get it. You get that this is everywhere and that it can and may have already happened to your child. You learn how to minimize the risk. You learn how to talk to other adults so that they know you are paying attention. You learn how to talk to your kids so that they know it is your job to protect them. You learn that if it happens,
it is something your child can recover from. Perhaps most importantly, you learn that children and adults everywhere can and do heal from this every day.

Everything you never knew you needed to know

Darkness to Light is an organization focused on preventing child sexual abuse by empowering adults to claim responsibility for child safety. They initially developed this program to be used as training for anyone employed in the care of children. Stewards of Children is currently offered by school districts, day care centers, hospitals, and social welfare institutions to their employees. It is extremely beneficial to them because they have already assumed responsibility for countless children in their care every day. But this is only the beginning. I believe this kind of education should be utilized by every adult in this country. Who among us can claim to never have any interaction with children? Who can honestly say that they already know enough? Who can say with full conviction that there is no way they know anyone in someway related to this affliction?

Please take this opportunity to know more. I’ve included the link to Stewards of Children on this page. If no one is offering an instructor-lead course to you in your area, then seize this moment to complete it online. It is available to everyone. Use it.

If you are interested in having an instructor teach this course to your organization or community, contacts are available on the Stewards of Children webpage. They will be more than happy to connect you with the group who facilitates the course in your area.



To know is to see.

To see is to witness.

To witness is to support.

To support is to encourage.

To encourage is to grow.

To grow is to change.

To change is to make the impossible possible.

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