It occurred to me today that it has been almost exactly 6 months since my last post.
For personal reasons, I ceased posting publicly earlier this year. I am not sure when my next blog entry will be, but I have not stopped writing altogether. And I am anxiously awaiting the day when I can share the most recent part of my journey with you.
2010 has definitely been interesting. Here's to 2011.
-Jocelyn
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Better. Stronger. Faster.
In the last six years, I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve suffered through flash-backs, nightmares, and panic attacks. I’ve been to individual counseling and group therapy. I’ve screamed, cried, self-medicated, journaled and blogged. I’ve learned to differentiate between those I can trust and those to whom I should close myself off. I’ve learned when and how I should share my experience, that life is better if I build a circle of support around me, that I believe my own memories, and to find strength and comfort in that belief.
And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.
I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.
Every day I learn something new.
So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.
Till next time,
Jocelyn
And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.
I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.
Every day I learn something new.
So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.
Till next time,
Jocelyn
Thursday, June 10, 2010
An Ordinary Day
Today I received a blast from the past. A huge, explosive, monumental kind of blast. The kind that knocks you to the ground, then repeatedly kicks you in the stomach.
I wonder what will come of this.
What will happen next? If I choose not to respond, will he disappear- never to be heard from again? I suppose that's pretty doubtful. After all, it's been nearly 10 years already. Though, clearly, he had nothing for me. Just need. Empty, desperate, incredibly transparent need.
What could possibly be going through his head?
Why now?
What exactly was the thought process that lead him to dig through tons of old e-mail addresses just so he could reach out to a person he had seriously injured nearly 2 decades ago? No apology. No explanation offered. Just "How are you?" - as if he really wanted to know.
Though my natural inclination is to ask the above questions on a loop in my head- I find that at the end of the day, I simply don't care to know the answers anymore. I don't want to know why. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy ever again.
I guess the silver lining here is that he no longer has the disastrous effect on me that he used to. Because the truth is, after I've had a moment to catch my breath, I will eventually get to sleep this evening. I'll wake up tomorrow, and go about another "ordinary day." And my life will keep going. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe not. Or maybe I've just been presented with an opportunity to say something to him that I've never had the chance to say before.
I won't name him here. He doesn't deserve recognition. But he knows who he is.
To this man, if you're reading this- please hear me:
Enough. Let go. It's time to leave me alone now.
I wonder what will come of this.
What will happen next? If I choose not to respond, will he disappear- never to be heard from again? I suppose that's pretty doubtful. After all, it's been nearly 10 years already. Though, clearly, he had nothing for me. Just need. Empty, desperate, incredibly transparent need.
What could possibly be going through his head?
Why now?
What exactly was the thought process that lead him to dig through tons of old e-mail addresses just so he could reach out to a person he had seriously injured nearly 2 decades ago? No apology. No explanation offered. Just "How are you?" - as if he really wanted to know.
Though my natural inclination is to ask the above questions on a loop in my head- I find that at the end of the day, I simply don't care to know the answers anymore. I don't want to know why. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy ever again.
I guess the silver lining here is that he no longer has the disastrous effect on me that he used to. Because the truth is, after I've had a moment to catch my breath, I will eventually get to sleep this evening. I'll wake up tomorrow, and go about another "ordinary day." And my life will keep going. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe not. Or maybe I've just been presented with an opportunity to say something to him that I've never had the chance to say before.
I won't name him here. He doesn't deserve recognition. But he knows who he is.
To this man, if you're reading this- please hear me:
Enough. Let go. It's time to leave me alone now.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Life Lessons: The "Faux" and the "For Real"
"Maybe there's something you should learn from this."
How many times have I heard those words? Every time things have gone wrong, every time someone has let me down or done something hurtful- there's always "something to learn." Throughout my life, I've collected a number of lessons. Some of them are quite valuable and have helped me- but some weren't really lessons at all. They were, quite simply, fear of being hurt in the same way again. I've determined that the trick to all of this is to be able to discern the "faux" from the "for real"- to know the difference between learning something and hiding in fear.
Lesson 1. Trust No One.
Faux. This one is infamous. It's the immediate response to the first time you are ever hurt in a huge way, and most likely, we've all followed it at some point in time. It is derived from the logic that if you do not trust anyone, you do not allow anyone to be close enough to you to hurt you in the future. Pretty foolproof. Also pretty lonely.
Lesson 2. Memories Fade but Hindsight is Always 20/20.
For Real. This is one of my favorites because it took me so long to understand. Memories- the details- they just don't matter at the end of the day. But you always remember the signs- the hindsight is clear. You realize that if you could have seen the signs in the past, you could have seen it coming and done something to protect yourself. I always looked at this the wrong way, kicking myself for not seeing everything in time. But hindsight doesn't exist to make you feel stupid for missing the signs in the past, it's there so you'll recognize the signs and use them in the future.
Lesson 3. If You Cry in Secret but Smile in Public, Everyone Will Think You're Happy.
Faux. While this may work on casual acquaintances, the people who care about you always know. Believe me. And by not letting them in, you're not allowing yourself a great deal of comfort that they could provide.
Lesson 4. Every Decision Brings a Great Amount of Peace.
For Real. Every decision, be it right, wrong, good, bad, healthy, or unhealthy- every decision brings peace. Why? Because once you've made a choice, you have ceased to wonder about where all the many avenues might take you. You've stopped worrying about what might happen as a result of your decision. You can rest- because it's decided. What's done is done.
Lesson 5. If You Plan For Anything, You'll Never Be Surprised.
Faux. Never has this lesson felt more wrong than when someone close to you dies. Because no matter how much time you had beforehand, no matter how many years a person might have suffered, it's always sudden. It's always a surprise. And you never see it coming when it finally happens. It's immediate and slow at the same time. Time stops and seems to fly all at once. Because you're in shock. Because you may have planned how you'd deal with it- but in the end, it just doesn't matter. Surprise.
Lesson 6. Pain Cannot Be Measured in Greatness- It Just Is.
For Real. This lesson is so important. It's the root of what we refer to as empathy. It's the reason that even though we may not have been through the exact same thing as someone else, when they say they feel pain- we know how they feel, intrinsically- because we've felt it too. You ever notice how you may feel terrible until someone tells you something even worse has happened to them? Suddenly you feel like your pain should be less somehow, you compare your hurt to theirs and think that it's smaller. But the truth is, it isn't. Pain is relative to the person who feels it. It just is.
Lesson 7. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.
Faux. What doesn't kill you simply reminds you of how strong you've always been.
Lesson 8. You Must Accept You've Been Hurt in Order to Heal.
For Real. This was a huge lesson for me. And the way I learned it was to think of it in terms of physical pain. If you cut your hand and deny that it's there, then you'll never treat it. You'll never put a band aid on it. You'll just go about your business, using it as if it was never hurt, and the next thing you know- it's filled with pus, infected, and in far worse condition than when the initial hurt happened. The best thing to do is to accept it, let yourself feel it, treat it, and move on.
Lesson 9. Some People are Like Humpty Dumpty- They Can Never Be Put Back Together Again.
Faux. And by following this lesson, you deny yourself and others the chance to put themselves back together. No one is ever too broken to be mended.
Lesson 10. We Live in a World of Endless Possibilities- To Limit Ourselves in Any Way is To Deprive Ourselves of Happiness and Fulfillment.
For Real. 'Nuf said.
Lesson 1. Trust No One.
Faux. This one is infamous. It's the immediate response to the first time you are ever hurt in a huge way, and most likely, we've all followed it at some point in time. It is derived from the logic that if you do not trust anyone, you do not allow anyone to be close enough to you to hurt you in the future. Pretty foolproof. Also pretty lonely.
Lesson 2. Memories Fade but Hindsight is Always 20/20.
For Real. This is one of my favorites because it took me so long to understand. Memories- the details- they just don't matter at the end of the day. But you always remember the signs- the hindsight is clear. You realize that if you could have seen the signs in the past, you could have seen it coming and done something to protect yourself. I always looked at this the wrong way, kicking myself for not seeing everything in time. But hindsight doesn't exist to make you feel stupid for missing the signs in the past, it's there so you'll recognize the signs and use them in the future.
Lesson 3. If You Cry in Secret but Smile in Public, Everyone Will Think You're Happy.
Faux. While this may work on casual acquaintances, the people who care about you always know. Believe me. And by not letting them in, you're not allowing yourself a great deal of comfort that they could provide.
Lesson 4. Every Decision Brings a Great Amount of Peace.
For Real. Every decision, be it right, wrong, good, bad, healthy, or unhealthy- every decision brings peace. Why? Because once you've made a choice, you have ceased to wonder about where all the many avenues might take you. You've stopped worrying about what might happen as a result of your decision. You can rest- because it's decided. What's done is done.
Lesson 5. If You Plan For Anything, You'll Never Be Surprised.
Faux. Never has this lesson felt more wrong than when someone close to you dies. Because no matter how much time you had beforehand, no matter how many years a person might have suffered, it's always sudden. It's always a surprise. And you never see it coming when it finally happens. It's immediate and slow at the same time. Time stops and seems to fly all at once. Because you're in shock. Because you may have planned how you'd deal with it- but in the end, it just doesn't matter. Surprise.
Lesson 6. Pain Cannot Be Measured in Greatness- It Just Is.
For Real. This lesson is so important. It's the root of what we refer to as empathy. It's the reason that even though we may not have been through the exact same thing as someone else, when they say they feel pain- we know how they feel, intrinsically- because we've felt it too. You ever notice how you may feel terrible until someone tells you something even worse has happened to them? Suddenly you feel like your pain should be less somehow, you compare your hurt to theirs and think that it's smaller. But the truth is, it isn't. Pain is relative to the person who feels it. It just is.
Lesson 7. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.
Faux. What doesn't kill you simply reminds you of how strong you've always been.
Lesson 8. You Must Accept You've Been Hurt in Order to Heal.
For Real. This was a huge lesson for me. And the way I learned it was to think of it in terms of physical pain. If you cut your hand and deny that it's there, then you'll never treat it. You'll never put a band aid on it. You'll just go about your business, using it as if it was never hurt, and the next thing you know- it's filled with pus, infected, and in far worse condition than when the initial hurt happened. The best thing to do is to accept it, let yourself feel it, treat it, and move on.
Lesson 9. Some People are Like Humpty Dumpty- They Can Never Be Put Back Together Again.
Faux. And by following this lesson, you deny yourself and others the chance to put themselves back together. No one is ever too broken to be mended.
Lesson 10. We Live in a World of Endless Possibilities- To Limit Ourselves in Any Way is To Deprive Ourselves of Happiness and Fulfillment.
For Real. 'Nuf said.
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