Better. Stronger. Faster.

In the last six years, I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve suffered through flash-backs, nightmares, and panic attacks. I’ve been to individual counseling and group therapy. I’ve screamed, cried, self-medicated, journaled and blogged. I’ve learned to differentiate between those I can trust and those to whom I should close myself off. I’ve learned when and how I should share my experience, that life is better if I build a circle of support around me, that I believe my own memories, and to find strength and comfort in that belief.

And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.

I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.

Every day I learn something new.

So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.

Till next time,
Jocelyn