Better. Stronger. Faster.

In the last six years, I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve suffered through flash-backs, nightmares, and panic attacks. I’ve been to individual counseling and group therapy. I’ve screamed, cried, self-medicated, journaled and blogged. I’ve learned to differentiate between those I can trust and those to whom I should close myself off. I’ve learned when and how I should share my experience, that life is better if I build a circle of support around me, that I believe my own memories, and to find strength and comfort in that belief.

And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.

I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.

Every day I learn something new.

So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.

Till next time,
Jocelyn

An Ordinary Day

Today I received a blast from the past. A huge, explosive, monumental kind of blast. The kind that knocks you to the ground, then repeatedly kicks you in the stomach.

I wonder what will come of this.

What will happen next? If I choose not to respond, will he disappear- never to be heard from again? I suppose that's pretty doubtful. After all, it's been nearly 10 years already. Though, clearly, he had nothing for me. Just need. Empty, desperate, incredibly transparent need.

What could possibly be going through his head?

Why now?

What exactly was the thought process that lead him to dig through tons of old e-mail addresses just so he could reach out to a person he had seriously injured nearly 2 decades ago? No apology. No explanation offered. Just "How are you?" - as if he really wanted to know.

Though my natural inclination is to ask the above questions on a loop in my head- I find that at the end of the day, I simply don't care to know the answers anymore. I don't want to know why. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy ever again.

I guess the silver lining here is that he no longer has the disastrous effect on me that he used to. Because the truth is, after I've had a moment to catch my breath, I will eventually get to sleep this evening. I'll wake up tomorrow, and go about another "ordinary day." And my life will keep going. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe not. Or maybe I've just been presented with an opportunity to say something to him that I've never had the chance to say before.

I won't name him here. He doesn't deserve recognition. But he knows who he is.

To this man, if you're reading this- please hear me:

Enough. Let go. It's time to leave me alone now.