It occurred to me today that it has been almost exactly 6 months since my last post.
For personal reasons, I ceased posting publicly earlier this year. I am not sure when my next blog entry will be, but I have not stopped writing altogether. And I am anxiously awaiting the day when I can share the most recent part of my journey with you.
2010 has definitely been interesting. Here's to 2011.
-Jocelyn
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Better. Stronger. Faster.
In the last six years, I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve suffered through flash-backs, nightmares, and panic attacks. I’ve been to individual counseling and group therapy. I’ve screamed, cried, self-medicated, journaled and blogged. I’ve learned to differentiate between those I can trust and those to whom I should close myself off. I’ve learned when and how I should share my experience, that life is better if I build a circle of support around me, that I believe my own memories, and to find strength and comfort in that belief.
And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.
I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.
Every day I learn something new.
So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.
Till next time,
Jocelyn
And yet-- In a single moment, the person who planted one of the first seeds of doubt in me is able to make me doubt myself all over again even today.
I have to admit that for exactly 4 seconds after reading an e-mail from this man, I thought I might just be crazy after all- I mean he was acting as though nothing had happened. But after a breath, I knew that I wasn’t wrong. It’s absolutely incredible that I could find myself in the same place I started after making so much progress. I never thought anyone would be able to make me doubt my memories again. I felt so sure, so certain of them. I guess no matter how positive you are, or how far you’ve come; there exist people who can pull that trigger and put you right back at square one.
Every day I learn something new.
So here’s the something new for today: You may find you've been pushed backwards from time to time. You might make great strides then turn around one day just to have the rug pulled out from under you. You may falter and feel as though you’re back at the starting gate. But the race gets shorter every time- of this I am certain. Every time you are pushed back to that place of vulnerability and fear, and your strength feels as though it is being stripped away, you will reach the finish line faster than you ever have before- because you already know what it takes to get there.
Till next time,
Jocelyn
Thursday, June 10, 2010
An Ordinary Day
Today I received a blast from the past. A huge, explosive, monumental kind of blast. The kind that knocks you to the ground, then repeatedly kicks you in the stomach.
I wonder what will come of this.
What will happen next? If I choose not to respond, will he disappear- never to be heard from again? I suppose that's pretty doubtful. After all, it's been nearly 10 years already. Though, clearly, he had nothing for me. Just need. Empty, desperate, incredibly transparent need.
What could possibly be going through his head?
Why now?
What exactly was the thought process that lead him to dig through tons of old e-mail addresses just so he could reach out to a person he had seriously injured nearly 2 decades ago? No apology. No explanation offered. Just "How are you?" - as if he really wanted to know.
Though my natural inclination is to ask the above questions on a loop in my head- I find that at the end of the day, I simply don't care to know the answers anymore. I don't want to know why. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy ever again.
I guess the silver lining here is that he no longer has the disastrous effect on me that he used to. Because the truth is, after I've had a moment to catch my breath, I will eventually get to sleep this evening. I'll wake up tomorrow, and go about another "ordinary day." And my life will keep going. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe not. Or maybe I've just been presented with an opportunity to say something to him that I've never had the chance to say before.
I won't name him here. He doesn't deserve recognition. But he knows who he is.
To this man, if you're reading this- please hear me:
Enough. Let go. It's time to leave me alone now.
I wonder what will come of this.
What will happen next? If I choose not to respond, will he disappear- never to be heard from again? I suppose that's pretty doubtful. After all, it's been nearly 10 years already. Though, clearly, he had nothing for me. Just need. Empty, desperate, incredibly transparent need.
What could possibly be going through his head?
Why now?
What exactly was the thought process that lead him to dig through tons of old e-mail addresses just so he could reach out to a person he had seriously injured nearly 2 decades ago? No apology. No explanation offered. Just "How are you?" - as if he really wanted to know.
Though my natural inclination is to ask the above questions on a loop in my head- I find that at the end of the day, I simply don't care to know the answers anymore. I don't want to know why. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy ever again.
I guess the silver lining here is that he no longer has the disastrous effect on me that he used to. Because the truth is, after I've had a moment to catch my breath, I will eventually get to sleep this evening. I'll wake up tomorrow, and go about another "ordinary day." And my life will keep going. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe not. Or maybe I've just been presented with an opportunity to say something to him that I've never had the chance to say before.
I won't name him here. He doesn't deserve recognition. But he knows who he is.
To this man, if you're reading this- please hear me:
Enough. Let go. It's time to leave me alone now.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Life Lessons: The "Faux" and the "For Real"
"Maybe there's something you should learn from this."
How many times have I heard those words? Every time things have gone wrong, every time someone has let me down or done something hurtful- there's always "something to learn." Throughout my life, I've collected a number of lessons. Some of them are quite valuable and have helped me- but some weren't really lessons at all. They were, quite simply, fear of being hurt in the same way again. I've determined that the trick to all of this is to be able to discern the "faux" from the "for real"- to know the difference between learning something and hiding in fear.
Lesson 1. Trust No One.
Faux. This one is infamous. It's the immediate response to the first time you are ever hurt in a huge way, and most likely, we've all followed it at some point in time. It is derived from the logic that if you do not trust anyone, you do not allow anyone to be close enough to you to hurt you in the future. Pretty foolproof. Also pretty lonely.
Lesson 2. Memories Fade but Hindsight is Always 20/20.
For Real. This is one of my favorites because it took me so long to understand. Memories- the details- they just don't matter at the end of the day. But you always remember the signs- the hindsight is clear. You realize that if you could have seen the signs in the past, you could have seen it coming and done something to protect yourself. I always looked at this the wrong way, kicking myself for not seeing everything in time. But hindsight doesn't exist to make you feel stupid for missing the signs in the past, it's there so you'll recognize the signs and use them in the future.
Lesson 3. If You Cry in Secret but Smile in Public, Everyone Will Think You're Happy.
Faux. While this may work on casual acquaintances, the people who care about you always know. Believe me. And by not letting them in, you're not allowing yourself a great deal of comfort that they could provide.
Lesson 4. Every Decision Brings a Great Amount of Peace.
For Real. Every decision, be it right, wrong, good, bad, healthy, or unhealthy- every decision brings peace. Why? Because once you've made a choice, you have ceased to wonder about where all the many avenues might take you. You've stopped worrying about what might happen as a result of your decision. You can rest- because it's decided. What's done is done.
Lesson 5. If You Plan For Anything, You'll Never Be Surprised.
Faux. Never has this lesson felt more wrong than when someone close to you dies. Because no matter how much time you had beforehand, no matter how many years a person might have suffered, it's always sudden. It's always a surprise. And you never see it coming when it finally happens. It's immediate and slow at the same time. Time stops and seems to fly all at once. Because you're in shock. Because you may have planned how you'd deal with it- but in the end, it just doesn't matter. Surprise.
Lesson 6. Pain Cannot Be Measured in Greatness- It Just Is.
For Real. This lesson is so important. It's the root of what we refer to as empathy. It's the reason that even though we may not have been through the exact same thing as someone else, when they say they feel pain- we know how they feel, intrinsically- because we've felt it too. You ever notice how you may feel terrible until someone tells you something even worse has happened to them? Suddenly you feel like your pain should be less somehow, you compare your hurt to theirs and think that it's smaller. But the truth is, it isn't. Pain is relative to the person who feels it. It just is.
Lesson 7. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.
Faux. What doesn't kill you simply reminds you of how strong you've always been.
Lesson 8. You Must Accept You've Been Hurt in Order to Heal.
For Real. This was a huge lesson for me. And the way I learned it was to think of it in terms of physical pain. If you cut your hand and deny that it's there, then you'll never treat it. You'll never put a band aid on it. You'll just go about your business, using it as if it was never hurt, and the next thing you know- it's filled with pus, infected, and in far worse condition than when the initial hurt happened. The best thing to do is to accept it, let yourself feel it, treat it, and move on.
Lesson 9. Some People are Like Humpty Dumpty- They Can Never Be Put Back Together Again.
Faux. And by following this lesson, you deny yourself and others the chance to put themselves back together. No one is ever too broken to be mended.
Lesson 10. We Live in a World of Endless Possibilities- To Limit Ourselves in Any Way is To Deprive Ourselves of Happiness and Fulfillment.
For Real. 'Nuf said.
Lesson 1. Trust No One.
Faux. This one is infamous. It's the immediate response to the first time you are ever hurt in a huge way, and most likely, we've all followed it at some point in time. It is derived from the logic that if you do not trust anyone, you do not allow anyone to be close enough to you to hurt you in the future. Pretty foolproof. Also pretty lonely.
Lesson 2. Memories Fade but Hindsight is Always 20/20.
For Real. This is one of my favorites because it took me so long to understand. Memories- the details- they just don't matter at the end of the day. But you always remember the signs- the hindsight is clear. You realize that if you could have seen the signs in the past, you could have seen it coming and done something to protect yourself. I always looked at this the wrong way, kicking myself for not seeing everything in time. But hindsight doesn't exist to make you feel stupid for missing the signs in the past, it's there so you'll recognize the signs and use them in the future.
Lesson 3. If You Cry in Secret but Smile in Public, Everyone Will Think You're Happy.
Faux. While this may work on casual acquaintances, the people who care about you always know. Believe me. And by not letting them in, you're not allowing yourself a great deal of comfort that they could provide.
Lesson 4. Every Decision Brings a Great Amount of Peace.
For Real. Every decision, be it right, wrong, good, bad, healthy, or unhealthy- every decision brings peace. Why? Because once you've made a choice, you have ceased to wonder about where all the many avenues might take you. You've stopped worrying about what might happen as a result of your decision. You can rest- because it's decided. What's done is done.
Lesson 5. If You Plan For Anything, You'll Never Be Surprised.
Faux. Never has this lesson felt more wrong than when someone close to you dies. Because no matter how much time you had beforehand, no matter how many years a person might have suffered, it's always sudden. It's always a surprise. And you never see it coming when it finally happens. It's immediate and slow at the same time. Time stops and seems to fly all at once. Because you're in shock. Because you may have planned how you'd deal with it- but in the end, it just doesn't matter. Surprise.
Lesson 6. Pain Cannot Be Measured in Greatness- It Just Is.
For Real. This lesson is so important. It's the root of what we refer to as empathy. It's the reason that even though we may not have been through the exact same thing as someone else, when they say they feel pain- we know how they feel, intrinsically- because we've felt it too. You ever notice how you may feel terrible until someone tells you something even worse has happened to them? Suddenly you feel like your pain should be less somehow, you compare your hurt to theirs and think that it's smaller. But the truth is, it isn't. Pain is relative to the person who feels it. It just is.
Lesson 7. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.
Faux. What doesn't kill you simply reminds you of how strong you've always been.
Lesson 8. You Must Accept You've Been Hurt in Order to Heal.
For Real. This was a huge lesson for me. And the way I learned it was to think of it in terms of physical pain. If you cut your hand and deny that it's there, then you'll never treat it. You'll never put a band aid on it. You'll just go about your business, using it as if it was never hurt, and the next thing you know- it's filled with pus, infected, and in far worse condition than when the initial hurt happened. The best thing to do is to accept it, let yourself feel it, treat it, and move on.
Lesson 9. Some People are Like Humpty Dumpty- They Can Never Be Put Back Together Again.
Faux. And by following this lesson, you deny yourself and others the chance to put themselves back together. No one is ever too broken to be mended.
Lesson 10. We Live in a World of Endless Possibilities- To Limit Ourselves in Any Way is To Deprive Ourselves of Happiness and Fulfillment.
For Real. 'Nuf said.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Hide and Seek
Sometimes what seems impossible to find is right under our noses.
If you have been following my blog for the last several months, you will have noticed that I have focused on a single issue: child sexual abuse. I have been asked a number of times why specifically sexual abuse as opposed to emotional or physical, and the answer is simply that this is the type of abuse that is discussed the least. It is the most hidden. It is kept secret by perpetrators, victims, survivors, and everyone that surrounds them. It is widely considered taboo to even bring up the subject. Those who have never experienced it themselves do not begin the conversation because they’re afraid that the people they’re talking to might have. They wonder if bringing it up will offend them or hurt them in some way, which makes much needed dialogue uncomfortable and awkward. Those who have been victimized or who are perpetrators themselves usually don’t speak of it out of shame. It’s pretty safe to say that the only people who are vocal about the issue are the survivors who have remembered and reclaimed their voice.
In thinking about the many reasons why we choose not to speak, I have determined that several if not all of them are rooted in fear. We are afraid to offend, afraid of saying too much, afraid to embarrass, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid of everyone knowing, afraid of the reaction, afraid of what else might need to be said, afraid of the questions, afraid that people will look at us differently, afraid that no one will listen, afraid that no one will accept, afraid of being rejected. With all of that pressure, can you really blame us for keeping silent for so long?
If all of the reasons we hide boil down to the fact that we are afraid, then the thing that may help us the most is to answer all of the unanswered questions that feed our fears.
Knowledge is Power
I began to wonder if there was anything out there solely focused on educating adults. We’ve all heard about the programs available to young children teaching the difference between safe and unsafe or welcome and unwelcome touches, but in reality those programs are incapable of protecting children as long as the adults around them are not receiving similar education. I kept my eyes and ears open for anything that could be beneficial. I focused on the Early Home Visitation programs for young or “at risk” parents, but while they are extremely helpful at creating a positive, nurturing, and healthy environment, they are not designed to focus on this particular problem.
Focus is necessary to transform our society from one that is afraid of discussing child sexual abuse to one which embraces open communication in an effort to prevent it.
Last week I was introduced to a social worker with Alliance for Children in Arlington. She informed me that her organization led classes specifically to teach adults how to recognize behaviors that might signal the occurrence of abuse in children as well as ways to appropriately respond when a child comes forward. I immediately asked for more information. After receiving the course materials and having an opportunity to look them over, I am even more impressed with the program. Not only does it identify specific physical and behavioral red flags, it also addresses how to discuss sexual abuse openly with kids- similarly to how candidly a parent would discuss looking both ways before crossing the street. The curriculum emphasizes several times that over 90% of abusers are known and trusted by their victims and victims’ families. I have never seen a program so determined to wake people up.
At the end of the course, you really get it. You get that this is everywhere and that it can and may have already happened to your child. You learn how to minimize the risk. You learn how to talk to other adults so that they know you are paying attention. You learn how to talk to your kids so that they know it is your job to protect them. You learn that if it happens, it is something your child can recover from. Perhaps most importantly, you learn that children and adults everywhere can and do heal from this every day.
Everything you never knew you needed to know
Darkness to Light is an organization focused on preventing child sexual abuse by empowering adults to claim responsibility for child safety. They initially developed this program to be used as training for anyone employed in the care of children. Stewards of Children is currently offered by school districts, day care centers, hospitals, and social welfare institutions to their employees. It is extremely beneficial to them because they have already assumed responsibility for countless children in their care every day. But this is only the beginning. I believe this kind of education should be utilized by every adult in this country. Who among us can claim to never have any interaction with children? Who can honestly say that they already know enough? Who can say with full conviction that there is no way they know anyone in someway related to this affliction?
Please take this opportunity to know more. I’ve included the link to Stewards of Children on this page. If no one is offering an instructor-lead course to you in your area, then seize this moment to complete it online. It is available to everyone. Use it.
If you are interested in having an instructor teach this course to your organization or community, contacts are available on the Stewards of Children webpage. They will be more than happy to connect you with the group who facilitates the course in your area.
To know is to see.
To see is to witness.
To witness is to support.
To support is to encourage.
To encourage is to grow.
To grow is to change.
To change is to make the impossible possible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
...quickly through the forest
and over the sea,
past the storm clouds
beyond nightmares or dreams-
the winds of change are upon us.
and over the sea,
past the storm clouds
beyond nightmares or dreams-
the winds of change are upon us.
Days gone by
I've been reading lately about the history of our culture, and I realize now what a narrow view I have had my entire life. Here I've been thinking that we're stuck in a rut- unwilling to change. But that assumption could not be further from the truth. We're not stuck. We're not stuck at all.
It wasn't that long ago that an American girl of 14 years old could be a grown man's wife.
My grandmother was one such girl. And I always knew that about her, as one tends to know his or her grandparents' history, but I never really thought about what that meant. That at one specific point in time, it was a common public perception that such a union was acceptable- even encouraged. These days, that guy's face would be plastered all over the nightly news and in most facebook statuses.
But, once upon a time, a little girl who'd just been married could go running to her parents, scared and confused about what her husband had just tried to do to her, and be told to go home.
And we keep going and going and going...
There's no denying there's a pretty big issue here. It's an uphill battle- a lot more uphill than I previously realized. In fact, it's pretty much a mountainous problem. But doesn't it say something about us that we've been able to come this far in a relatively short amount of time? No matter how big the issue, no matter how daunting or endless it seems, we keep trying. And though at times, we think that our efforts aren't working, there are things changing all around us all the time. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our day to day lives and all of the tasks we have to get done that we don't see them, but it doesn't mean they're not there. In every piece of new information that is read, in every link posted on a personal website, in every statement that is publicly made, someone somewhere is waking up a little bit. And every little bit helps.
I just want to take this moment in time and use it to encourage you. The next time you turn on your computer and go to the same site you always go to for entertainment or to simply waste time, go to any search engine first. Type in the first thing that comes to mind, and read what pops up. Everyone's got something in this life that they care about. I urge you to learn more about your something, to open your eyes to the possibility that there may be more outside of your comfort zone, and to embrace the changes in your life and in your world.
Because, whether you want them to or not, they're happening.
"...change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."
~George, Life as a House
Friday, July 10, 2009
To You, From Me
Dear Readers,
There may come a day when the people who have hurt you the most will be staring you in the face. Not because you went looking for them, but because they came to find you.
They may not have come because they wanted to hurt you. They may not have come because they wanted to be your friend. But they definitely will have come to be near you.
Because the weak can see the strength in others. And they want to be near it, hoping that it will rub off on them somehow. But it never will. These people may have been able to steal power from you in the past but that does not mean that they will be able to take it from you again.
We have all spent so much time and energy healing, growing past the pain, making peace with our old nightmares, and recognizing the strength hidden within ourselves. Know that it has always been there, inside you. Your strength is what has always held you together. And when these people come into your life again, you may be able to avoid them. You may be able to hide from them. But you will never be able to prevent them from entering your world. Because they exist in your world. And just like you, they are free to come and go as they please. The one thing you can do is keep going.
If seeing these people makes you cry, then cry. If it makes you angry, be angry. And if it stresses you out, be stressed. These are all very natural feelings to have. After all, it wasn't your choice for these people to be in your life. They imposed themselves on you, and you may react in any manner you choose. But remember how far you have come. Remember who got you there. Surround yourself with friends and family that will support you. Lean on them. They won't mind.
The weak will come and go. They will stop and stare in awe at you as you live your life beyond the hurt that they inflicted. And they will wonder if it ever really affected you at all. But the weak are unable to accept pain. Unable to accept it when they feel it, and unable to accept when they cause it in others. So they may wonder, but they will never know. They will never understand the journey we've been on. They will never fully grasp how strong we are. But they will never stop trying to catch a glimpse of that strength. Never.
Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn
There may come a day when the people who have hurt you the most will be staring you in the face. Not because you went looking for them, but because they came to find you.
They may not have come because they wanted to hurt you. They may not have come because they wanted to be your friend. But they definitely will have come to be near you.
Because the weak can see the strength in others. And they want to be near it, hoping that it will rub off on them somehow. But it never will. These people may have been able to steal power from you in the past but that does not mean that they will be able to take it from you again.
We have all spent so much time and energy healing, growing past the pain, making peace with our old nightmares, and recognizing the strength hidden within ourselves. Know that it has always been there, inside you. Your strength is what has always held you together. And when these people come into your life again, you may be able to avoid them. You may be able to hide from them. But you will never be able to prevent them from entering your world. Because they exist in your world. And just like you, they are free to come and go as they please. The one thing you can do is keep going.
If seeing these people makes you cry, then cry. If it makes you angry, be angry. And if it stresses you out, be stressed. These are all very natural feelings to have. After all, it wasn't your choice for these people to be in your life. They imposed themselves on you, and you may react in any manner you choose. But remember how far you have come. Remember who got you there. Surround yourself with friends and family that will support you. Lean on them. They won't mind.
The weak will come and go. They will stop and stare in awe at you as you live your life beyond the hurt that they inflicted. And they will wonder if it ever really affected you at all. But the weak are unable to accept pain. Unable to accept it when they feel it, and unable to accept when they cause it in others. So they may wonder, but they will never know. They will never understand the journey we've been on. They will never fully grasp how strong we are. But they will never stop trying to catch a glimpse of that strength. Never.
Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Anger, Resentment, Hope and Disappointment
How do you leave the past in the past when it forcibly enters your present?
I’m not really looking for an answer or a discussion about it. Just putting the question out into the universe. How am I expected to deal with this? After years of healing old wounds inflicted by people who don’t give a crap about how I may have turned out, they’ve come back to cause more pain? Could that really be the reason? Could that really be what they want to accomplish? Isn’t it enough that it took me this long to get to this place? Are you just curious to see if you can make me feel worse?
I’ve got news for you, buddy. I’m not fifteen anymore. I’m not ten. I’m not five. I’m not the girl who forgets things as they’re happening. I’m not the girl who dismisses her own instincts as trivial passing thoughts. I’m not the girl who silently cries herself to sleep. I’m not the girl who screams to herself as her car flies down the highway. I’m not the girl who devours a gallon of ice cream with a bag of Lays standing by. I’m not the girl who fakes being happy so no one will see she’s been crying all day. I’m not the girl who thinks you’re wonderful. I’m not the girl who will believe everything you say regardless of how hurtful your words or actions are.
And I am not the girl who will keep your secret for you.
Please keep that in mind when you enter my world again.
I’m not really looking for an answer or a discussion about it. Just putting the question out into the universe. How am I expected to deal with this? After years of healing old wounds inflicted by people who don’t give a crap about how I may have turned out, they’ve come back to cause more pain? Could that really be the reason? Could that really be what they want to accomplish? Isn’t it enough that it took me this long to get to this place? Are you just curious to see if you can make me feel worse?
I’ve got news for you, buddy. I’m not fifteen anymore. I’m not ten. I’m not five. I’m not the girl who forgets things as they’re happening. I’m not the girl who dismisses her own instincts as trivial passing thoughts. I’m not the girl who silently cries herself to sleep. I’m not the girl who screams to herself as her car flies down the highway. I’m not the girl who devours a gallon of ice cream with a bag of Lays standing by. I’m not the girl who fakes being happy so no one will see she’s been crying all day. I’m not the girl who thinks you’re wonderful. I’m not the girl who will believe everything you say regardless of how hurtful your words or actions are.
And I am not the girl who will keep your secret for you.
Please keep that in mind when you enter my world again.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Fear and Living in the Past
Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.
Fearing the past
I've been thinking today about fear. There was a time when I was afraid to remember. Not just afraid- terrified. I just knew there was so much there that I couldn't handle, couldn't deal with, couldn't move past... The list went on and on. I was afraid that if I saw everything, felt everything, knew everything that had happened; I would quite simply fall apart and never be able to put myself together again. I'd be lost forever to the pain. It was too much. It had to be too much. Why else would I have forgotten to begin with? Who in their right mind would want to know these things?!
Fearing the present
At every turn there was something new to be scared of. Little every day things, like being afraid of what someone was thinking as they looked at me. Were they judging? Did they know something I didn't? Could they somehow see past my smiles and my flighty attitude and notice the frightened child inside? "Shake it off," I'd think to myself, "They can't see anything you don't show them."
In my life I've been afraid of heights, roller coasters, water, scary movies, bugs, dogs, snakes, spiders, being left alone, being trapped, stuck, abducted, being let down and dissappointed, being forever dependant on someone else, never having it in me to take care of myself, never having it in me to be a good friend to anyone- or a good partner. I've been scared of ever having kids, of messing up someone else's life so badly that they'd never be able to make it right again, of being married to someone who had no idea what a nightmare he'd gotten himself into, of never moving past my past, of staying broken, and oddly- of healing and becoming someone people could count on. Because I was afraid if anyone ever really counted on me, I might let them down too.
Moving through fear and into the future
I have learned a lot about myself after years of giving into fear. And I've come to the conclusion that with me, fighting fear is all about trust. If I trust that those around me can handle me in the worst possible conditions, that they will love me for me no matter how irrational my fear is; and will support me as I face it, with their hand in mine or their arm around me- then I can do anything.
I have since narrowed my list of fears down considerably:
1. poisonous snakes and spiders
2. wild animals (i.e. bears, wolves, hyenas, etc...)
3. roller coasters that turn you upside down
All the other things don't scare me so much anymore. Because these things happen. Being afraid of them doesn't prevent that. Fear is not a plastic bubble that will keep me safe. It will; however, keep me from being happy.
And who in their right mind would want that?
Fearing the past
I've been thinking today about fear. There was a time when I was afraid to remember. Not just afraid- terrified. I just knew there was so much there that I couldn't handle, couldn't deal with, couldn't move past... The list went on and on. I was afraid that if I saw everything, felt everything, knew everything that had happened; I would quite simply fall apart and never be able to put myself together again. I'd be lost forever to the pain. It was too much. It had to be too much. Why else would I have forgotten to begin with? Who in their right mind would want to know these things?!
Fearing the present
At every turn there was something new to be scared of. Little every day things, like being afraid of what someone was thinking as they looked at me. Were they judging? Did they know something I didn't? Could they somehow see past my smiles and my flighty attitude and notice the frightened child inside? "Shake it off," I'd think to myself, "They can't see anything you don't show them."
In my life I've been afraid of heights, roller coasters, water, scary movies, bugs, dogs, snakes, spiders, being left alone, being trapped, stuck, abducted, being let down and dissappointed, being forever dependant on someone else, never having it in me to take care of myself, never having it in me to be a good friend to anyone- or a good partner. I've been scared of ever having kids, of messing up someone else's life so badly that they'd never be able to make it right again, of being married to someone who had no idea what a nightmare he'd gotten himself into, of never moving past my past, of staying broken, and oddly- of healing and becoming someone people could count on. Because I was afraid if anyone ever really counted on me, I might let them down too.
Moving through fear and into the future
I have learned a lot about myself after years of giving into fear. And I've come to the conclusion that with me, fighting fear is all about trust. If I trust that those around me can handle me in the worst possible conditions, that they will love me for me no matter how irrational my fear is; and will support me as I face it, with their hand in mine or their arm around me- then I can do anything.
I have since narrowed my list of fears down considerably:
1. poisonous snakes and spiders
2. wild animals (i.e. bears, wolves, hyenas, etc...)
3. roller coasters that turn you upside down
All the other things don't scare me so much anymore. Because these things happen. Being afraid of them doesn't prevent that. Fear is not a plastic bubble that will keep me safe. It will; however, keep me from being happy.
And who in their right mind would want that?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Lost and Found and Letting Go
Today I held a little girl less than an hour after she entered this world. And I was overcome by a range of emotions, but mostly... utter amazement. It occurred to me that more than anything else, all I wanted to do was be there for my friend's new child. I wanted to protect her, teach her, and love her. And it is a truly amazing thing to be able to feel that strongly about someone you've only just met. The love in that room was so intense it could have knocked you over if it wanted to. What a great first impression to have of this life: to be surrounded by so much hope, love, and happiness at your arrival. And it is amazing to me that in our world, there exist children who were never lucky enough to have been present in a room like that.
Once upon a time, she was missing...
In the last few years, I've thought a lot about the value of my life. What I'm worth and what I am deserving of. About how long it took to find the things that were once stolen from me- and how hard it was to accept that they were ever really mine to begin with. And then, while holding this child, I realized there isn't a doubt in my mind that she deserves every happiness life has to offer. We all do. We are not worthless. Regardless of what we've been through. No matter what else we may have been told, we are priceless. Every last one of us.
A little over two years have passed since my miscarriage. And though it is not something I think about every day, or even every month, I cannot help but be reminded of it now. I remember all of the pain, loss and mourning. The paralyzing fear that I might ever have to go through that again. And then finally realizing that the risk would absolutely be worth it. And as I think back on my life over the years, I have to admit that it's always been about the chances I've been willing to take. Always. The moment I am ready to risk losing something I've clung to, I gain something even better.
Every time.
And she lived...
There comes a time in all of our lives when we are faced with the choice to regret or to move on, and it is always a difficult decision to make. But once we've decided to let go of what could have been, it only makes it easier to hold on to the wonderful things we already have. I understand so much more now about my path in this life and what I am meant to do here. And, yes, there has been great loss- but there have also been a great many blessings. As I sit here reflecting on times past, all I can think is how happy I am about where I am now. And how excited I am about where I am going next.
Two years ago, it just wasn't my time. It wasn't my time to be a mom. I accept that now. And who knows? Maybe someday, it will be.
I leave you now with an entry from my old journal.
Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn
Once upon a time, she was missing...
In the last few years, I've thought a lot about the value of my life. What I'm worth and what I am deserving of. About how long it took to find the things that were once stolen from me- and how hard it was to accept that they were ever really mine to begin with. And then, while holding this child, I realized there isn't a doubt in my mind that she deserves every happiness life has to offer. We all do. We are not worthless. Regardless of what we've been through. No matter what else we may have been told, we are priceless. Every last one of us.
A little over two years have passed since my miscarriage. And though it is not something I think about every day, or even every month, I cannot help but be reminded of it now. I remember all of the pain, loss and mourning. The paralyzing fear that I might ever have to go through that again. And then finally realizing that the risk would absolutely be worth it. And as I think back on my life over the years, I have to admit that it's always been about the chances I've been willing to take. Always. The moment I am ready to risk losing something I've clung to, I gain something even better.
Every time.
And she lived...
There comes a time in all of our lives when we are faced with the choice to regret or to move on, and it is always a difficult decision to make. But once we've decided to let go of what could have been, it only makes it easier to hold on to the wonderful things we already have. I understand so much more now about my path in this life and what I am meant to do here. And, yes, there has been great loss- but there have also been a great many blessings. As I sit here reflecting on times past, all I can think is how happy I am about where I am now. And how excited I am about where I am going next.
Two years ago, it just wasn't my time. It wasn't my time to be a mom. I accept that now. And who knows? Maybe someday, it will be.
I leave you now with an entry from my old journal.
Thank you for reading,
Jocelyn
Almost 7/28/1998
the eyes that never saw
the ears that never heard
the nose that never smelt a rose
the lips that never spoke a word
the battles never won or lost
the battles never fought
the chances never taken
the chances that were lost
the fears without a reason
the song without a voice
the times we wanted so badly to choose
but found we'd been afraid of the choice
the feelings of happiness that didn't stay long
uncovered the feelings inside
the unwelcomed sadness in an imaginary world
is the penalty for never paying the price
The memories that we wish we could change
will forever and always remain the same,
And nothing will ever be missed more
than all the somethings that almost were.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Something worth waiting for
"Waiting
standing still
holding my breath
till I'm told to exhale"
It's been a long time since I felt this calm. It seems as though someone pushed a giant pause button allowing me time and room to breathe. Funny. Just a handful of years ago, this was exactly what I asked for. I'm reminded of things I've written over the years. Journals during and after therapy. Times when I used to wake up at 4 am with the sudden need to get whatever thought was circling non-stop in my brain out on paper. It always brought me a brief sense of calm. But it was only ever a glimpse into what I'm experiencing now. Now is a time for quiet reflection. A small assessment of where I've been and how far I've come.
Seconds after writing this I dug out the old journals and papers. Smudged and torn, stored away in an old notebook. Out of sight, but never out of mind. After reading through them, I realize this calm I've been presented with is a gift. Just another in a long line of amazing insights I've been given in the last few months.
The following excerpts seem particularly important. Every day I am amazed by where the past five years have taken me, and these passages have revealed to me that on some level, I always knew where I was going.
2005-2006 Writings
"I wish that I could go to sleep and wake up happy."
"I remember when I first started to remember. The shock of everything rushing back because I let a drop of what "was" in. But actually, it didn't rush. It was almost unbearably slow. And I knew in my gut that there was more. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see it. What sticks out in my mind most is the day I started feeling. I had to remember a bad sensation in order to let myself feel all the good ones. I remember: I woke up. And it hit me- like truth. And I knew... And I felt sick. My eyes got very wide. And then I tried to shut it off again. I turned over, put my face in my pillow and I tried. Tried to flip the switch. To NOT feel. But it was too late. I knew everything now. That was the day I decided:
The only way is Forward.
I realized that you can know something every day of your life. But it's not real until you feel it. To feel something allows it to be a part of you. A part of your essence. Your being. A part of everything you will ever be.
It was my best and worst day. The day I first felt."
"Even now, writing this, tears come to my eyes. One day they won't. I believe this. There will be a day when I will tell my story with perfect clarity and no sadness. Not because I'm in denial of my feelings. But because I will have allowed myself to feel all the pain and sadness I have in me. I will have expressed it and accepted that I could really feel that badly. And I will have peace. The peace that can only come when you give yourself the freedom to fall apart. Because only when you're free to fall apart are you free to truly heal. You don't get to choose which risk you take. That would be too easy. You have to risk losing all of who you are to become someone great. There were laws I used to live by: Don't date. Don't leave a mediocre job. After all, it pays the bills. Don't get married. And if you do, don't expect it to be a successful marriage. Don't have children- you'll only screw them up. And don't make new friends. No one deserves to be exposed to your own private version of hell.
Pretty bleak. But the hardest decision I ever made was to risk losing all of that- the person I was- to become someone I could be proud to be.""Pain is not everything I am anymore. Fear is not everything I am anymore. I am not just a rape victim. I am not just a victim of child molestation. I am not just a child who saw more than any child should see. That shield kept the pain from coming in. But it also kept me from coming in. I've been living outside of my own world for nearly 2 decades now and I'm ready to get back in. I'm ready to take control of my body and treat it well. Remind it that not every man is going to hurt it. Teach myself that there are some men I can trust. That I can let them into my world too and they won't try to rip it apart. I am ready to live without training wheels. I am ready to tear down the walls and drain the moat that surrounds me. I'm ready to burn down the fence and simply own a good guard dog. I'm ready to be me. Actually me. The whole me. With my past hurts, my present fear, and my future hope. I am ready to be off "pause." I am ready to finish healing."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Coming Full Circle
So many moments in the past two and a half months have felt magical. As if I was following the path perfectly, never losing sight of where I was supposed to go or which steps I should take. If I even considered veering, it would suddenly become very difficult- so I’d go back, without a doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do. At every turn, as soon as I’d think, “What’s next?” the answer would just be there in front of me. Answers would come in dreams, at work while I was just sitting at my desk, or in a conversation with a friend. I would turn around and suddenly be looking in just the right place.
It’s amazing what happens when you finally give in and trust that God is leading you.
I’d like to share something that I haven’t thought about in years. When I was fifteen years old, I used to write. Angsty poetry mostly, but one day I wrote this. It was different from the others, important. And it came so suddenly, I hardly had time to think about it as I was writing. I didn’t know what it meant then. Now I do.
A Thousand (Sept 1, 1998)
A thousand people stop and stare
A thousand people walk by
A thousand cries of anger and sadness
as a thousand people die
A thousand people unsuspecting
A thousand diseases aren’t spotted
A thousand feelings of sorrow and regret
as a thousand others leave them broken hearted
One person decided to make a change
One person decided to stop the crying
And one by one the number added
till fewer and fewer souls were dying
One person decided to make a difference
One thought inside a thousand heads
But a thousand people feared that thought
A thousand people thought they couldn’t stand
A thousand people stood side by side
Another and another added on
till all the women and every man
found that they did hold the world in their hands
And those thousands together were strong
If there was ever a doubt lingering in the back of my mind that this website was what I was supposed to create, then finding that poem completely eliminated it. I realize now that this was in the works long before I became aware of it. Everything in my life adds up to this, to making me into someone who would be willing and able to provide this tool to others. Everything comes full circle. Even when I look back on the times when I was at my lowest. Times when I remember feeling helpless, hopeless and abandoned- somehow the answer was always there if I looked in the right place. If I looked up, turned around, or simply picked up the phone- someone was always there for me. Always. Pointing the way, saying just the right thing, guiding me to who I was beyond the pain. Even when it was cloudy, I was always shown a way out. I’m going to trust in that now more than ever.
On a separate but very related note, thanks to the assistance of a few good friends, the site is almost finished.
More to come soon.
It’s amazing what happens when you finally give in and trust that God is leading you.
I’d like to share something that I haven’t thought about in years. When I was fifteen years old, I used to write. Angsty poetry mostly, but one day I wrote this. It was different from the others, important. And it came so suddenly, I hardly had time to think about it as I was writing. I didn’t know what it meant then. Now I do.
A Thousand (Sept 1, 1998)
A thousand people stop and stare
A thousand people walk by
A thousand cries of anger and sadness
as a thousand people die
A thousand people unsuspecting
A thousand diseases aren’t spotted
A thousand feelings of sorrow and regret
as a thousand others leave them broken hearted
One person decided to make a change
One person decided to stop the crying
And one by one the number added
till fewer and fewer souls were dying
One person decided to make a difference
One thought inside a thousand heads
But a thousand people feared that thought
A thousand people thought they couldn’t stand
A thousand people stood side by side
Another and another added on
till all the women and every man
found that they did hold the world in their hands
And those thousands together were strong
If there was ever a doubt lingering in the back of my mind that this website was what I was supposed to create, then finding that poem completely eliminated it. I realize now that this was in the works long before I became aware of it. Everything in my life adds up to this, to making me into someone who would be willing and able to provide this tool to others. Everything comes full circle. Even when I look back on the times when I was at my lowest. Times when I remember feeling helpless, hopeless and abandoned- somehow the answer was always there if I looked in the right place. If I looked up, turned around, or simply picked up the phone- someone was always there for me. Always. Pointing the way, saying just the right thing, guiding me to who I was beyond the pain. Even when it was cloudy, I was always shown a way out. I’m going to trust in that now more than ever.
On a separate but very related note, thanks to the assistance of a few good friends, the site is almost finished.
More to come soon.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Something to Say
After quietly contemplating these past couple of months, I have decided that it’s time. Time to share. Time to read what others wish to share. It is time to find each other. To truly know that we are not alone in this.
The Beginning
It started with a blog. I was finally able to write it all out- the basics, the essential parts of my past. I was given a way to present them so that they were succinct and easy to understand. A way that helped me connect to those around me. A way that finally enabled me to connect my self in the present to my self in the past.
And in the end, it’s still all about connection.
Moving Toward Something Bigger
Within minutes of writing the first of these blog entries, I was flooded with thoughts. They seemed to appear out of thin air. And this thing that can only be described as Divine Inspiration has completely taken over every free moment in my life since. The feeling is indescribable. And I could not possibly feel more blessed and happy for having received this gift.
I will be reaching out. In the next few weeks, I will be reaching out to anyone- everyone. We have suffered in silence for too long. We deserve a way to share what has happened to us. To provide inspiration for those who have yet to begin their growth past the pain. We need an outlet. And I’ve got it.
Creating a Path
It’s actually pretty simple. I’ve read it a million different places. The thing most essential to healing emotional pain, is to be able to express it and have it heard by others. No argument, only validation and complete acceptance. So that is what I will provide.
There are several websites currently up and running that offer forums for people to discuss the abuse they’ve endured. Visitors are encouraged to post freely, as long as they are not attacking someone else on the site. The idea is to find a sort of online support system. And it’s anonymous- which is extremely attractive to a person recovering to this specific brand of trauma. But what these sites don’t address is the fact that simply divulging details of the abuse can be very harmful to someone who is not emotionally ready to be triggered. Trauma is a tricky thing to deal with. A certain sensitivity is needed. Boundaries should be firmly in place. These sites, while well intentioned, have become toxic environments filled with self-destructive patterns of behavior that effectively re-victimize the unsuspecting reader.
But what if there was a site you could visit and read stories of growth beyond the abuse? What if you could see the paths others have taken before you? What if the focus was taken off of the actual abuse, and placed where it should be? The survival and the journey past it.
Most importantly, this will be a site parents can feel comfortable with their children visiting. It will be very carefully monitored. There will be a submission process, not an open forum. Triggering details of abuse will be completely excluded because, while it is important for an individual’s growth to share them, posting these details in plain view of anyone who may stumble across them is potentially harmful to others who have been victimized. And in the end, the point is not what happened to you. The point is that you have found it within you to grow beyond the abuse and find who you truly are again.
Say Something
If as you are reading this you want to become a part of it, please let me know. I will need a piece of your story. In fact, I will need several pieces.
There are so many of us. So many. And so often we meet and never know that this has happened to each other. Imagine when you first started your journey. Whether it was facing memories for the first time, or finally acknowledging that they were there. We all began somewhere. Lost and confused about who we were and what we were capable of accomplishing. Imagine if you’d had a place like this to go. To see for the first time that not only had it happened to others, but that it wasn’t the end of the world.
I feel like this will be an important step. It’s not the ultimate answer. It’s not the great big solution. But it will definitely play a part. And I feel incredibly excited to see that happen.
The Beginning
It started with a blog. I was finally able to write it all out- the basics, the essential parts of my past. I was given a way to present them so that they were succinct and easy to understand. A way that helped me connect to those around me. A way that finally enabled me to connect my self in the present to my self in the past.
And in the end, it’s still all about connection.
Moving Toward Something Bigger
Within minutes of writing the first of these blog entries, I was flooded with thoughts. They seemed to appear out of thin air. And this thing that can only be described as Divine Inspiration has completely taken over every free moment in my life since. The feeling is indescribable. And I could not possibly feel more blessed and happy for having received this gift.
I will be reaching out. In the next few weeks, I will be reaching out to anyone- everyone. We have suffered in silence for too long. We deserve a way to share what has happened to us. To provide inspiration for those who have yet to begin their growth past the pain. We need an outlet. And I’ve got it.
Creating a Path
It’s actually pretty simple. I’ve read it a million different places. The thing most essential to healing emotional pain, is to be able to express it and have it heard by others. No argument, only validation and complete acceptance. So that is what I will provide.
There are several websites currently up and running that offer forums for people to discuss the abuse they’ve endured. Visitors are encouraged to post freely, as long as they are not attacking someone else on the site. The idea is to find a sort of online support system. And it’s anonymous- which is extremely attractive to a person recovering to this specific brand of trauma. But what these sites don’t address is the fact that simply divulging details of the abuse can be very harmful to someone who is not emotionally ready to be triggered. Trauma is a tricky thing to deal with. A certain sensitivity is needed. Boundaries should be firmly in place. These sites, while well intentioned, have become toxic environments filled with self-destructive patterns of behavior that effectively re-victimize the unsuspecting reader.
But what if there was a site you could visit and read stories of growth beyond the abuse? What if you could see the paths others have taken before you? What if the focus was taken off of the actual abuse, and placed where it should be? The survival and the journey past it.
Most importantly, this will be a site parents can feel comfortable with their children visiting. It will be very carefully monitored. There will be a submission process, not an open forum. Triggering details of abuse will be completely excluded because, while it is important for an individual’s growth to share them, posting these details in plain view of anyone who may stumble across them is potentially harmful to others who have been victimized. And in the end, the point is not what happened to you. The point is that you have found it within you to grow beyond the abuse and find who you truly are again.
Say Something
If as you are reading this you want to become a part of it, please let me know. I will need a piece of your story. In fact, I will need several pieces.
There are so many of us. So many. And so often we meet and never know that this has happened to each other. Imagine when you first started your journey. Whether it was facing memories for the first time, or finally acknowledging that they were there. We all began somewhere. Lost and confused about who we were and what we were capable of accomplishing. Imagine if you’d had a place like this to go. To see for the first time that not only had it happened to others, but that it wasn’t the end of the world.
I feel like this will be an important step. It’s not the ultimate answer. It’s not the great big solution. But it will definitely play a part. And I feel incredibly excited to see that happen.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Luck, Chance, and All Things “Meant to Be”
Through the tunnel vision of the present, we can only see what is in front of us. What stares us in the face. And most of the time, it makes little to no sense to us at all. Because when we only see life in pieces, we miss what makes those pieces fit together.
Faith
As a small child I was taught to have faith. To trust that God would protect me from harm and that I would be kept safe. It took one man less than 5 minutes to utterly destroy that belief.
Since then, every day of my life has been a journey to discovering truth. The truth of what happened to me, the truth behind the lies I was told, and the ultimate truth that every attempt to destroy my spirit and the essence of who I am would and will undoubtedly fail.
I am not saying that this was an easy conclusion to come to. The very definition of faith is to believe something without being provided proof. So to simply accept blindly that all which had befallen me, be it good or bad, was just a part of something bigger took an inner strength I didn’t know I possessed. But the second I did- the moment I realized this truth, everything immediately fell into place. Like magic. Suddenly I could see my life as a whole and I wasn’t the least bit confused about where I was going or who I was going to be. I was at peace. Amidst the shattered bits of my past I found certainty. And I am positive that the only way for anyone to see that needle in the haystack is to simply believe that it is there.
Acceptance
Our world is filled with questions. When tragedy strikes, our first response is to wonder “Why?” As if the answer would somehow silence our fears and bring us comfort. But knowing why is not what brings us peace. What gets us there is our acceptance that although we may not understand the reason for these events, a reason still exists.
If I was to look at a glass of water sitting in front of me and say, “There is nothing there,” how would I ever be able to drink it? The same goes for everything in our lives and in the world around us. In order to grow, change, and improve- we must first accept things as they truly are, whether we want to or not. Because by acknowledging the problem, we empower ourselves to solve it.
Moving Forward
I have found that when taking steps in faith, luck is unnecessary. I don’t believe in chance or coincidence. And I am certain a path has been made for each of us that will lead to exactly where we are meant to be. Sometimes our paths may run parallel to one another, sometimes in direct opposition. Yours may take you to a place very different from mine for a while. But I also believe that if we were to view our separate paths as parts of each other, as pieces of something much bigger, we would see that it all makes sense. We are all ultimately headed in a single direction: Forward. We are constantly changing, perpetually growing, continually learning. We do not have to be creatures of habit simply because we’re used to seeing ourselves that way. We have been given the gift of introspection and the power to stimulate change within ourselves and in our world. I do not wish to waste those gifts but instead choose to embrace them and let them be a piece of me in everything I do every day for the rest of my life. And it is my sincere hope that as you read this, you begin to clearly see the potential within yourself and make the same decision.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~Henry S. Haskins
Faith
As a small child I was taught to have faith. To trust that God would protect me from harm and that I would be kept safe. It took one man less than 5 minutes to utterly destroy that belief.
Since then, every day of my life has been a journey to discovering truth. The truth of what happened to me, the truth behind the lies I was told, and the ultimate truth that every attempt to destroy my spirit and the essence of who I am would and will undoubtedly fail.
I am not saying that this was an easy conclusion to come to. The very definition of faith is to believe something without being provided proof. So to simply accept blindly that all which had befallen me, be it good or bad, was just a part of something bigger took an inner strength I didn’t know I possessed. But the second I did- the moment I realized this truth, everything immediately fell into place. Like magic. Suddenly I could see my life as a whole and I wasn’t the least bit confused about where I was going or who I was going to be. I was at peace. Amidst the shattered bits of my past I found certainty. And I am positive that the only way for anyone to see that needle in the haystack is to simply believe that it is there.
Acceptance
Our world is filled with questions. When tragedy strikes, our first response is to wonder “Why?” As if the answer would somehow silence our fears and bring us comfort. But knowing why is not what brings us peace. What gets us there is our acceptance that although we may not understand the reason for these events, a reason still exists.
If I was to look at a glass of water sitting in front of me and say, “There is nothing there,” how would I ever be able to drink it? The same goes for everything in our lives and in the world around us. In order to grow, change, and improve- we must first accept things as they truly are, whether we want to or not. Because by acknowledging the problem, we empower ourselves to solve it.
Moving Forward
I have found that when taking steps in faith, luck is unnecessary. I don’t believe in chance or coincidence. And I am certain a path has been made for each of us that will lead to exactly where we are meant to be. Sometimes our paths may run parallel to one another, sometimes in direct opposition. Yours may take you to a place very different from mine for a while. But I also believe that if we were to view our separate paths as parts of each other, as pieces of something much bigger, we would see that it all makes sense. We are all ultimately headed in a single direction: Forward. We are constantly changing, perpetually growing, continually learning. We do not have to be creatures of habit simply because we’re used to seeing ourselves that way. We have been given the gift of introspection and the power to stimulate change within ourselves and in our world. I do not wish to waste those gifts but instead choose to embrace them and let them be a piece of me in everything I do every day for the rest of my life. And it is my sincere hope that as you read this, you begin to clearly see the potential within yourself and make the same decision.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~Henry S. Haskins
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Why Fight It?
Virus: Any morbid corrupting quality in intellectual or moral conditions; something that poisons the mind or the soul.
Disease: A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
The Plague
Today I visited the news websites of NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX. I typed “child abuse” into the search engine on each site and found countless articles and videos detailing missing children reports, offenders being brought to trial and police investigations into cults. What I was unable to find was a single article focusing on child abuse prevention.
It’s amazing what a runaway train this has become. Our media is saturated with it. Law makers, non-profit organizations and pro bono lawyers everywhere are actively attempting to create the perfect piece of legislation, a magic law that will keep all sexual offenders in check. They want to maintain constant surveillance of their movements and prevent them from living near parks and schools. Why parks and schools? Because children are there. Forget the fact that a vast majority of abused children know or live with their abusers. And constant surveillance? Longer prison sentences? Great. Now we’ve got an “extreme punishment” - the perfect excuse for defense attorneys to negotiate a lesser charge for their clients and put them back on the streets again all the sooner. Right on track.
And while we’re all focusing our energy on how to stop abuse once it starts, children are being victimized all around us. Children we know.
The Symptom
Think about where we are today. Out of control, chasing each individual “bad guy” hoping to catch them all and pin them down so they can’t hurt anybody anymore. We are so distracted. We forget that those who have already been abused are more likely to repeat that pattern than those who have never been victimized. So for every offender we manage to put behind bars, we’ve completely ignored countless others popping up all around us. We don’t see the real problem; we are trying to solve a symptom. And that simply can’t be done.
Changing Focus
We must start at square one. Close your eyes. Imagine a clean slate. Don’t think about numbers. Don’t think about punishment. Just think about the children you know. Can you see them? Are they strong, healthy, happy? Do they maintain appropriate boundaries with people they’ve just met? If your answer was “no” to either of those questions, then the child you see is in danger. He or she may have been abused. And if not, there is a strong possibility of it happening. We have to acknowledge that. We must learn how to create and maintain healthy environments for our kids because they just don’t know how to do that yet. A child who feels lonely or neglected is far more likely to be vulnerable to a potential abuser. So pay attention to them. Play with them. Show them what love is. If you give them a good example now, then they will be less likely to confuse it with something else down the road.
Healing
When you think back on the times when you’ve been punished, how often do you remember feeling guilt? Guilt is a powerful emotion. It has the ability to lower your self esteem immensely. Guilt makes you seek comfort wherever you can find it, even in the unhealthiest of places.
All survivors of sexual abuse feel guilt. It doesn’t make a difference if they know that it wasn’t their fault. The guilt is there anyway. The only thing that has proven itself time and again to be able to heal all the negativity that guilt creates is therapy. I encourage everyone dealing with this issue and these emotions to seek professional guidance whenever you can. Because when you embrace the possibility that they can help you, then they will.
I’ve read in so many places that a majority of sex offenders were at one time victims themselves. Can you imagine the level of guilt they must feel every second of every day? Not just living with the memories of their own abuse, but knowing that they’d been the cause of pain in so many others. It must be overwhelming. I am going to make a radical statement now and say that punishing them the way we have been is not going to make them stop. There must be another solution out there. There must be some way to reach a person who is already in too deep. Should we give these people a chance to overcome the illness that has plagued them their entire lives? Or have they actually gone from being victims to being monsters?
I’m not sure what the answer is. But I have a strong feeling that if we all take a good, hard look with open minds- we will find it.
Disease: A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
The Plague
Today I visited the news websites of NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX. I typed “child abuse” into the search engine on each site and found countless articles and videos detailing missing children reports, offenders being brought to trial and police investigations into cults. What I was unable to find was a single article focusing on child abuse prevention.
It’s amazing what a runaway train this has become. Our media is saturated with it. Law makers, non-profit organizations and pro bono lawyers everywhere are actively attempting to create the perfect piece of legislation, a magic law that will keep all sexual offenders in check. They want to maintain constant surveillance of their movements and prevent them from living near parks and schools. Why parks and schools? Because children are there. Forget the fact that a vast majority of abused children know or live with their abusers. And constant surveillance? Longer prison sentences? Great. Now we’ve got an “extreme punishment” - the perfect excuse for defense attorneys to negotiate a lesser charge for their clients and put them back on the streets again all the sooner. Right on track.
And while we’re all focusing our energy on how to stop abuse once it starts, children are being victimized all around us. Children we know.
The Symptom
Think about where we are today. Out of control, chasing each individual “bad guy” hoping to catch them all and pin them down so they can’t hurt anybody anymore. We are so distracted. We forget that those who have already been abused are more likely to repeat that pattern than those who have never been victimized. So for every offender we manage to put behind bars, we’ve completely ignored countless others popping up all around us. We don’t see the real problem; we are trying to solve a symptom. And that simply can’t be done.
Changing Focus
We must start at square one. Close your eyes. Imagine a clean slate. Don’t think about numbers. Don’t think about punishment. Just think about the children you know. Can you see them? Are they strong, healthy, happy? Do they maintain appropriate boundaries with people they’ve just met? If your answer was “no” to either of those questions, then the child you see is in danger. He or she may have been abused. And if not, there is a strong possibility of it happening. We have to acknowledge that. We must learn how to create and maintain healthy environments for our kids because they just don’t know how to do that yet. A child who feels lonely or neglected is far more likely to be vulnerable to a potential abuser. So pay attention to them. Play with them. Show them what love is. If you give them a good example now, then they will be less likely to confuse it with something else down the road.
Healing
When you think back on the times when you’ve been punished, how often do you remember feeling guilt? Guilt is a powerful emotion. It has the ability to lower your self esteem immensely. Guilt makes you seek comfort wherever you can find it, even in the unhealthiest of places.
All survivors of sexual abuse feel guilt. It doesn’t make a difference if they know that it wasn’t their fault. The guilt is there anyway. The only thing that has proven itself time and again to be able to heal all the negativity that guilt creates is therapy. I encourage everyone dealing with this issue and these emotions to seek professional guidance whenever you can. Because when you embrace the possibility that they can help you, then they will.
I’ve read in so many places that a majority of sex offenders were at one time victims themselves. Can you imagine the level of guilt they must feel every second of every day? Not just living with the memories of their own abuse, but knowing that they’d been the cause of pain in so many others. It must be overwhelming. I am going to make a radical statement now and say that punishing them the way we have been is not going to make them stop. There must be another solution out there. There must be some way to reach a person who is already in too deep. Should we give these people a chance to overcome the illness that has plagued them their entire lives? Or have they actually gone from being victims to being monsters?
I’m not sure what the answer is. But I have a strong feeling that if we all take a good, hard look with open minds- we will find it.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Are We Ready?
Denial is a powerful thing. So powerful in fact, that it prevents us from seeing what has been staring us in the face our entire lives.
The Bottom Line
As of 1987, at least 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse existed in America.
As of 1997, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 6 men had been sexually abused before the age of 18.
In 1997, 1,054,000 children were confirmed by child protective services agencies (CPS) as victims of some form of abuse (15 out of every 1000 US children).
As of 2000, 70% of all reported sexual assaults occurred to children ages 17 and under.
Studies conducted from 2001-2003 showed that only 10% of childhood victims were abused by strangers.
In 1995, nearly 50% of women in prison and over 75% of serial rapists stated that they were abused as children.
An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his or her lifetime.
Over 100 individual studies conducted over the past 30 years have yielded similar if not the exact same results.
What does this mean?
We teach our children about “Stranger Danger.” We teach them about “Bad Touch- Good Touch.” We tell them to scream, run away, and call 911.
We’ve taught them the same things for years.
But nothing has changed.
Kids in early development may not be able to process what is happening to them in enough time to do anything to stop it. So why do we focus on their education instead of our own? Since when is it our children’s job to protect themselves? As I was growing up, I don’t remember much being said to me about sexual abuse past the age of 7 or 8. Some people I’ve spoken to don’t remember hearing about it at all.
Why so taboo?
What is everybody afraid of?
What could talking about it hurt?
Could we possibly be scared to discover that we are just not doing enough?
The Reality
The reality is that roughly 20% of all Americans have been sexually abused as children, but you may be under the impression that you don’t know any of these people.
After reviewing the statistics, do you think you’re right?
These facts only include what has previously been reported. In reality, the numbers are much more significant. I have personally known at least 20 survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Only one of them ever reported any of it.
But let us set aside the real number for a moment and assume that there actually are only 20% of us. Wouldn’t that be 20% of all of us? Then that means 20% of all School Administrators and Board Members, 20% of Government Officials, and 20% of Voters have at one time been victimized.
Imagine the impact that could have on our society.
Imagine the impact it has had on our society.
Get Ready
Have you ever wondered why this is kept as such a carefully guarded secret? Are you aware of what signs to look for in both children and adults? Some of you have already been introduced to the various red flags that indicate a child may have been abused. When you first heard them, do you remember feeling like all of a sudden, things made sense? Like maybe that feeling in your gut wasn’t completely off base after all?
Then why isn’t this information everywhere? Why must we seek it out? Everyday, we see commercials and billboards alerting us to the dangers of smoking marijuana, but nothing about watching out for the safety of our kids.
Isn’t it a little strange that at a drop of a hat, we can list 3 or 4 signs that someone is high, but we can’t see that the child standing right in front of us has been molested?
Isn’t it about time to reevaluate the way we approach this issue? If the statistics haven’t changed, then clearly the actions we’ve taken in the last 30 years have had little to no effect.
I encourage you to start thinking outside the box. This is not a problem that will eventually solve itself. And with the uphill battle ahead of us, it’s going to take an incredibly massive public stand to make any noticeable difference. I hope that as you have read this, it has opened your eyes. And for those whose eyes were already open, I hope you begin to take action. Learn a little bit more everyday. Search for your own answers. Speak out when you notice that things are happening to the children around you. Remember that although people may not yet be ready to hear it, this desperately needs to be said.
Because It’s Time
If 39 million childhood sexual abuse survivors were living in America in 1987, how many do you think are among us now? And how much of this do you think could have been prevented?
Don't fool yourself. Think about the children you know. Acknowledge the possibility. If you don't take notice now, it will only make it harder for them to heal.
At some point, we have to decide that enough is enough. We have to learn how to trust our instincts. How to change the patterns of behavior that have kept us repeatedly placing ourselves and our loved ones in danger. Because we simply have no other choice.
Take the risk.
I promise it will be worth it.
References
http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm ACE Study - Prevalence - Adverse Childhood Experiences
Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K., & Wolak, J. (2001, March). Highlights of the youth internet safety survey. US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
U.S. Department of Justice (2001). Internet crimes against children. OVC Bulletin. Washington, DC: US Depar tment of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime.
Abel, G., Becker, J., Mittelman , M., Cunningham- Rathner, J., Rouleau, J., & Murphy, W. (1987). Self reported sex crimes on non-incarcerated paraphiliacs. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2(1), 3-25.
Snyder, H N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Depar tment of Justice.
Kilpatrick, D., Saunders, B., & Smith, D. (2003). Youth victimization: Prevalence and implications. U.S. Depar tment of Justice, National Institute of Justice report.
Abel, G. & Harlow, N. (2001). Stop child molestation book. Abel and Harlow.
Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us.Child Abuse & Neglect, 5, 579-594.
The Bottom Line
As of 1987, at least 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse existed in America.
As of 1997, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 6 men had been sexually abused before the age of 18.
In 1997, 1,054,000 children were confirmed by child protective services agencies (CPS) as victims of some form of abuse (15 out of every 1000 US children).
As of 2000, 70% of all reported sexual assaults occurred to children ages 17 and under.
Studies conducted from 2001-2003 showed that only 10% of childhood victims were abused by strangers.
In 1995, nearly 50% of women in prison and over 75% of serial rapists stated that they were abused as children.
An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his or her lifetime.
Over 100 individual studies conducted over the past 30 years have yielded similar if not the exact same results.
What does this mean?
We teach our children about “Stranger Danger.” We teach them about “Bad Touch- Good Touch.” We tell them to scream, run away, and call 911.
We’ve taught them the same things for years.
But nothing has changed.
Kids in early development may not be able to process what is happening to them in enough time to do anything to stop it. So why do we focus on their education instead of our own? Since when is it our children’s job to protect themselves? As I was growing up, I don’t remember much being said to me about sexual abuse past the age of 7 or 8. Some people I’ve spoken to don’t remember hearing about it at all.
Why so taboo?
What is everybody afraid of?
What could talking about it hurt?
Could we possibly be scared to discover that we are just not doing enough?
The Reality
The reality is that roughly 20% of all Americans have been sexually abused as children, but you may be under the impression that you don’t know any of these people.
After reviewing the statistics, do you think you’re right?
These facts only include what has previously been reported. In reality, the numbers are much more significant. I have personally known at least 20 survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Only one of them ever reported any of it.
But let us set aside the real number for a moment and assume that there actually are only 20% of us. Wouldn’t that be 20% of all of us? Then that means 20% of all School Administrators and Board Members, 20% of Government Officials, and 20% of Voters have at one time been victimized.
Imagine the impact that could have on our society.
Imagine the impact it has had on our society.
Get Ready
Have you ever wondered why this is kept as such a carefully guarded secret? Are you aware of what signs to look for in both children and adults? Some of you have already been introduced to the various red flags that indicate a child may have been abused. When you first heard them, do you remember feeling like all of a sudden, things made sense? Like maybe that feeling in your gut wasn’t completely off base after all?
Then why isn’t this information everywhere? Why must we seek it out? Everyday, we see commercials and billboards alerting us to the dangers of smoking marijuana, but nothing about watching out for the safety of our kids.
Isn’t it a little strange that at a drop of a hat, we can list 3 or 4 signs that someone is high, but we can’t see that the child standing right in front of us has been molested?
Isn’t it about time to reevaluate the way we approach this issue? If the statistics haven’t changed, then clearly the actions we’ve taken in the last 30 years have had little to no effect.
I encourage you to start thinking outside the box. This is not a problem that will eventually solve itself. And with the uphill battle ahead of us, it’s going to take an incredibly massive public stand to make any noticeable difference. I hope that as you have read this, it has opened your eyes. And for those whose eyes were already open, I hope you begin to take action. Learn a little bit more everyday. Search for your own answers. Speak out when you notice that things are happening to the children around you. Remember that although people may not yet be ready to hear it, this desperately needs to be said.
Because It’s Time
If 39 million childhood sexual abuse survivors were living in America in 1987, how many do you think are among us now? And how much of this do you think could have been prevented?
Don't fool yourself. Think about the children you know. Acknowledge the possibility. If you don't take notice now, it will only make it harder for them to heal.
At some point, we have to decide that enough is enough. We have to learn how to trust our instincts. How to change the patterns of behavior that have kept us repeatedly placing ourselves and our loved ones in danger. Because we simply have no other choice.
Take the risk.
I promise it will be worth it.
********************
References
http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm ACE Study - Prevalence - Adverse Childhood Experiences
Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K., & Wolak, J. (2001, March). Highlights of the youth internet safety survey. US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
U.S. Department of Justice (2001). Internet crimes against children. OVC Bulletin. Washington, DC: US Depar tment of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime.
Abel, G., Becker, J., Mittelman , M., Cunningham- Rathner, J., Rouleau, J., & Murphy, W. (1987). Self reported sex crimes on non-incarcerated paraphiliacs. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2(1), 3-25.
Snyder, H N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Depar tment of Justice.
Kilpatrick, D., Saunders, B., & Smith, D. (2003). Youth victimization: Prevalence and implications. U.S. Depar tment of Justice, National Institute of Justice report.
Abel, G. & Harlow, N. (2001). Stop child molestation book. Abel and Harlow.
Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us.Child Abuse & Neglect, 5, 579-594.
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